


Beware the Akatsukitties

by thekidintheblacktshirt



Category: Akatsuki - Fandom, Akatsukitties, Naruto
Genre: Akatsuki cats, Akatsuki/oc - Freeform, Akatsukitties - Freeform, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-26
Updated: 2019-05-21
Packaged: 2019-11-06 05:31:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 24,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17933774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thekidintheblacktshirt/pseuds/thekidintheblacktshirt
Summary: Christen is pissed when her roommate, Meg, comes home with a box of mangy kittens from who knows where. And when those cats turn out to be infamous anime criminals? The Akatsuki better pray for a happy ending. (Itachi x OC, Deidara x Oc)





	1. Chapter 1

An early Saturday morning greeted Christen by slapping her in the face with sunshine. Normally, this would be welcomed, as Christen was normally a morning person. However, after pulling several all-nighters in the previous week, as well as staying up well past her self-inflected bedtime. However, today was not most days, and Christen did not welcome it as she usually would have- instead of rising from her bed, she decided it was best to flip the shy off and doze off with a pillow on her face. 

The universe had other plans. 

She once more was awoken by her phone buzzing, signaling that her overenthusiastic friend was attempting to reach her at this unholy hour. Beyonce sounded through the room, ringing "single ladies" which Christen would have normally apricated, but at the moment she was just irritated. She groggily picked up the phone; her Totoro keychain clinking against the case. 

"What?" She demanded, peeved. 

"Oh my gosh, Chris, you won't believe what I just found!" Her friend cheered into her phone. 

"Meggie, honey, it's too early for whatever you-" Meghan clearly didn't care, as she plowed on anyhow. 

"A couple of tiny-bity cutesy-wotsy kittens!" Christen fought an overcoming groan as her roommate announced it. 

"No." Christen immediately shot Meghan's upcoming question down. "Absolutely not," she said. 

"Please-please-pleeeeeeeeease!" She begged. Christen check the time on her phone- 7:23- and sneered at the anime-plastered home screen and groaned, lugging her butt out of her warm, forgiving bed. 

"Bring 'em over," Christen mumbled into the phone, yanking a Hello Kitty hairbrush (Meghan's) through her blonde-dyed-purple hair.

"Yay!" Meghan yelled excitedly. "You won't regret this boo, I promise!" She said, causing the overwhelming sense of gloom to overpower. Cristen groaned and hung up, throwing on a pair of black sweats and a T-shirt quoting some movie she'd never heard of. 

Moments later, the doorbell rang, and she opened to greet a bouncing figure completed with matching tightly bounded curls. The exuberant blob tossed Christen a couple of Petco bags and sat herself on the couch. 

"Aren't they cuuuuute?" She cheered, knocking the box over, spilling the kittens. Cristen stared at Meghan, disturbed. 

"There are ten cats in there, Meg. Not 'a couple'," She clenched her teeth. 

"You said it was okay-" Meghan explained. 

"When I agreed, I thought they had been vaccinated, litter trained, from a pet store! They are practically of the streets!" Christen rubbed her temple. 

"Practically?" Meghan rolled her eyes. Christen stared at her roommate. 

"No." She said, squeezing her eyes shut. "You did not-"

"Well, I did say found," Meghan shrugged, codling the closest kitten close to her chest. 

"Shit, Meg," Christen groaned. "Cats are expensive- and we're a bunch of broke college students. What were you thinking?" Chris frown at the cats seemingly dumbstruck. This was the first time she had a good look at them- and they were butt ugly. She looked back at Meg and then at the bright yellow cat fighting with the- not exaggerating- red cat, who was laying by the stitched up cat with patched work fur. 

"This is cute?" She asked, lifting up the- oh, god- gigantic blue cat that weighed at least 20 pounds. One of the cats let out a hiss that sounded like a snicker. 

"Yes!" Meg squealed, taking the kitty and nuzzling it to her chest.  Christen groaned. 

"You're cleaning up all of their messes," She told Meg. 

"Sure," 

"And pay for them," 

"Already did," Meg said, lifting the pet store bag. 

"Clean up after them," 

"Fine,"

"And chores for a week. All of them," 

"Sure- wait, that's not fair!" She said, furrowing her brows. Christen shrugged her shoulders. 

"Neither is bring home ten cats without notice," Meg left out some sort of defiant squeak. 

"I called you!" She protested. Christen rolled her eyes. 

"Yeah, about a couple of them," 

"Then you have to take care of the couple of them," Meg explained her unflawed logic. 

"Fine," Christen agreed, already knowing all the responsibility would fall on her. She gently plucked the only seeing normal ones- A small black cat, an orange tabby and a half-black half-white cat that seemed to be talking to itself (okay, so that one was a stretch), and sat them on her lap. Meg smirked in her somewhat-victory. In a flippantly bipolar switch of attitude, she flashed Christen a smile and herded the remaining seven by her. 

"Naming time!" She explained, hoisting the small black/orange in the air Simba style. 

"I dub thee..." She paused dramatically. "Sugar! 'Cause you're so sweet!" The cat meowed happily back at her. "You're so cute! Yes, you are! Yes, you.." Christen drowned out the squeals and focused on the next cat. 

"You." She pointed to the blonde. "Come here," She instructed, beckoning to the cat, who caustically ambled over to her side. Her half-lidded eyes somewhat widened as it silently followed her command. 

Meg's head snapped over as Christen gently lifted the cat.

"Regina George." She simply said. Meg shook her head with a smile and yanked the unsuspecting silver cat up in the air. 

"Shiny!" She said happily. "Who's my little princess?" She cooed. The cat took a swipe at her face, nearly cutting Meg's face. 

"Okay...Prince, then," Meg set the cat back down. The cat hissed once more, before settling back where it was previously seated. 

"Next!' She dismissed, literally tossing the heavy blue one at her friends face. The cat meowed alarmingly, but Christen caught it with ease. 

"Meg!" She scolded, setting the cat down. Meg shrugged. 

"Well?" She asked expectantly. Christen rolled her eyes. 

"Blue," She said. Meg protested loudly. 

"No way! It has to be an actual name!" Argued. Christen groaned at her hypocritically. 

"Like "Shiny" or "Sugar"? She mocked Meg, who sniffled in defense. 

"Fine. Blue." She said flippantly, as if she had a choice in the matter. Meg then lifted another blueish cat. 

"What are you going to name this one, then?" She asked cockily, handing the perhaps the only female to Christen. 

"Blue... two," Christen decided. Meg snorted in a mixture of amusement and disappointment. They exchanged looks: Christen, questioning, as if daring Meg to question, Meg, scrunching her nose and recuperating the look with distaste. 

"No, no, absolutely not," Meg said, yanking the poor cat back from the friend. 

"Fine. синий." She said. Meg scrunched her nose. 

"Fine," Meg parotted back. "Wait- that doesn't mean-" Christen shugged inocently. 

"I hate Russian," She mumbled, picking up the red one, naming it "Lobster", which the cat did not appear to agree with. 

"Black," She said, picking up the small dark kitty. 

"NO!" Meg disagreed immediately. "Not 'лодка', either," She argued. 

"Meg," Christen explained. "That means boat," Meg groaned. 

"Okay, cut me some slack. I tried," She said, clearly exaggerating. 

"One course on Dulingo does not qualify as 'trying'," Christen said dryly, picking up the sat and setting it down on her lap. 

"Actually, I think I am going to name your boat," She told the cat. Meg let out a strange sound between a dying whale and a scream. 

"A cat named boat!" Med said, mostly to herself. 

"...And this one will be Dog," Cristen chirped, picking up the large brown cat with ease, despite that it weight about two bricks.

"Purple," Christen continued naming them, ignoring Meg's loud complaints. 

"WHY?" She wailed. "Purple?" Med exclaimed in exasperation. Christen gave a nonchalant shrug. 

"It fits," Christen said, scratching the ball of black floof on her lap. 

"The cat is orange," Meg argued. Chris shrugged once more, driving the brunette crazy. 

"He has purple eyes," She explained. Meg picked up the cat and inspected his face closes. The cat appeared to be squeamish, but meg held him in her clutches with an iron grip. 

"...It's a stretch," She admitted the cat's eyes were gray, taking a light purple hue, finally realizing it to settle back down next to... Blue number two, as she could not pronounce the cat's name. 

"Last one!" Meg exclaimed in a fit of bipolar snark. "Oreo," She declared. After a short moment of silence, she paused to look over at her.

"Chrissy?" She asked the blank space next to her. Absent was the black kitten and her friend.

"CHRISSY!" She shouted, bounding up the stairs, yellow and red cats tucked under each arm. Meg practically flew up all 18 steps and skidded inside the second bedroom on the right. 

"Aaha!" She screeched, flinging open the door...To reveal an empty room. Meg poked around- looked under the fluffy black comforter, clean of lint, behind the desk, overwhelmed with books, and finally, the closet- fully stocked with black, red and grey clothes and nothing else. Meg finally caught note of the breeze, directing her attention to the open window. 

The window was fairly big, dressed with decorative and blackout curtains. The window itself fit a whole person out with ease, and below it was a roof hangover. 

...Which, come to think of it, was probably where Crissy dwelled as of now. Meg ducked down and crawled through the window, and sat next to her friend.

She looked over and decided not to say anything, seeing her friends whistful look.

"Watcha thinkin' 'bout?" She asked Chris, gazing at the sky. Clouds reflected into her eyes, giving it the appearance that the sky was in her eyes. The purple-head teen paused, thinking for the right words. 

"We're all going to die someday, after living a meaningless life. Nothing we do will ever be recorded at the rate we're destroying the world. We have to get an education, and we need the education to get a job, we need a job to pay off our education, which is mandatory. On top of that, we have to pay for basic human needs- shelter, food, clean water. Our world is fluctuating with humans, and it's basically a social hunger games," 

"In an alternate universe, it must be possible for alternate verses to exist that not have any alternate verses..." She mumbled, not giving away what she was really thinking. Meg giggled at her friend's hypothesis. 

"That is so stupid," She giggled. "Another one of your 'if everything is possible, then it's possible for the impossible to exist' situations, hun?" Meg asked, shoving her slightly. Chris licked her lips and gnawed on the bottom one. 

"Hn," Chris responded. 

"You're starting to sound like an Uchiha!" Meg burst out into spontaneous giggles. Christen, too focused on her friend, missed the flash of red in the black cat's eyes, and the hiss of the blond cat. 

"You're such a dork," Christen said, lightly grinning. Meg laughed and swung her arm over her shoulder.

"But you love me anyways," Meg smiled cheekily. Christen rolled her eyes and did not respond.


	2. My name is Lobster.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naming ceremony and more chaos.

A loud noise woke Itachi up. His first response was to see what the noise was, but the second was to see why he heard the noise. It took mere seconds to recall what had happened what felt like yesterday- Sasuke. It was like a cold flash. He had woken up in a trance, but the abrupt sound snapped him awake. Perhaps ANBU training and many restless paranoid nights lead to this, but at any rate, Itachi wasn't sure if he should be worried or grateful. 

He did recall dying. It was a slow black fuzziness creeping into the corners of his vision, then emerging him completely. Itachi had felt strangely at peace when he died; although he sympathized for his brother, he did not regret his actions.

His eyes snapped to the source, and he arched his back in a defensive stance. 

...Arched his back?

Itachi tried to recall what training caused this reflex, but he could think of none. If memory serves right, he should have put weight on his left back foot, on the balls of his feet. He tried that, then came to an alarming conclusion. 

He didn't have feet- he had paws. Cat paws- his clan's summons were cats after all, and growing up, Itachi became quite familiar with the feline physique. For extra precaution, he swiped his tail and twitched his ears. 

If Itachi wasn't sure before, he certainly was now- he was definitely a cat. 

He adapted into a fighting stance he had seen his ninneko do- similar to his original reaction, but with his tail up in the air and his ears pressed flat against his head. 

"Holy shit!" A familiar voice screamed. Itachi's head snapped up, to see a silver cat baring his fangs at him. Observing the figure, Itachi had come to the conclusion that he was not alone in this predicament. 

"Hidan," Itachi stated. The cat seemed to cackle. 

"You-" Hidan wheezed. "You're a fucking cat, dude!" Itachi would've pressed his lips in a flat line, but he felt his ears flick instead. 

"You are a cat too, idiot," A large brown cart lumbered over to them, easily towering over Itachi. "You seem to be adjusting well, Itachi," The cat (Kakazu) commented with a touch of humor. Itachi's eye twitched and he flicked the tip of his tail

"You old fucker!" Hidan growled and pounced on his partner, who stood there unfazed. Kakazu was the size of a Maincoon, or rather, a medium to small dog, whilst Hidan was literally a kitten. Hidan's claws tried to sink into Kakazu, but instead, he received a mouthful of tail. 

"Hidan, now is not the time," A deep voice drawled. 

"Yes, Leader-sama," All three of them chorused. 

"The best thing to do is access our current situation," A fourth voice added. Itachi gazed at the blue-black perched on a brick, towering over them. 

"We're fu-" Itachi cleared his throat. “cats!" Hidan yelled. A little snicker came from behind him. 

"Acute observation, my man," A yellow cat started over to the group. 

"Deidara," Leader grumbled. "Have you any idea where we are?" The cat would've shrugged, but oped to swish its tail.

"No clue, yeah," Deidara said. "All I gathered was we're nowhere near the base, un," He said. Itachi gathered that Pein had sent Deidara out earlier. 

"Can I wake Danna up yet, yeah?" He said, stepping over to the sleeping reg kitten, the noticeably smallest one of the group. 

"Let him sleep," A grumbling, raspy voice came from behind the newest cat, Sasori. A giant blue cat stepped into the light of the dumpster ally they were in. 

"Kisame," Itachi guessed. The blue cat grunted. 

"Finally up, eh, Itachi?" Kisame nudged his small body. 

"Finally?" Itachi repeated. 

"You're one of the last ones to wake up," Konan explained leaping down to their level.

"Sasori is still asleep, un," Deidara explained.

"I'm sure he noticed, dumbas-" Hidan rolled his eyes. Deidara let out a low grumble.

"Shut up, yeah!" 

"...Brat," A new voice joined the group. 

"Sasori-Sempai is up!" Tobi cheered, bouncing around happily around, making his first appearance. 

"Tobi. Let him sleep," Black Zetsu spoke. "Sasori hasn't slept in decades,"  White Zetsu added. Itachi surveyed Zetsu, not being surprised on his appearance.  A Black-white cat of medium build sat next to the orange tabby, flicking the tip of his tail anxiously. The cats sat in somewhat silence before a loud noise sounded. A mechanical noise and flashes of blue and red light shook them. Itachi peered around the corner to see a sleek, black machine going incredibly fast. It seemed to be racing at the speed Itachi could match, but would tire out after matching its pace for a while. To say this shook the cats was an understatement.

"What was that, yeah!" Deidara yells loudly. 

"Shhh," A new voice shushes the cats- except it was human, not cat. A woman with bushy brown hair holds a finger to her lips, a twinkle in her eye. "Do you want me to get caught?" Itachi then realized something:

The thing that was racing down the pavement- that was chasing her. Now that he thought about her appearance, she looks even more suspicious. She was in a poppy colored shirt and baby blue jeans- a white bandana tied back her hair, but her crafty smirk was unnerving. "Aww, are we homeless?" She bent down and beckoned to Itachi, who back up wearily. "Poor thing," She said softly. Itachi becks up into the corner, unfortunately leading her to the others.

"There's more of you!" She gushed sitting by them happily. "Aww, you're so cute!" She reached out for Deidara and scratched his head. Deidara paused for a second, then relaxed into her grip, and let out a purr.

"Dude! You just fucking purred!" Hidan wheezed. Deidra paused for a moment, then walked closed to the woman and nuzzled her busoms.

"You would too, un," Deidra said smugly. The woman seemed to eat it up and coddled Diedra. Hidan flashed his teethed and sauntered towards the woman. 

"Come here, bitch!" He said haughtily. The woman (obviously not understanding Hidan nor Deidara) cooked and picked him up. 

"Aww, you all just wanna come home with me, dontcha?" She said. 

"We do need shelter," Pein agreed. The woman knelt down and grabbed a nearby box. Deirdara happily hopped in, along with Hidan. Tobi followed suit, then Zetsu, Pein, Konan and Sasori. Itachi sat there, blinking. He knew that Kisame nor Kakazu could not fit in the small box, and he certainly had no intention to get in. The woman took out a small metal gadget and clicked it. From the distance, a light flashed and something distant sounded. 

The woman giggled and picked Kisame up with alarming ease, and tucked Kakazu under her arm. Itachi trailed behind them, not wanting to be carried in the hands of an unknown woman. 

She walked to her own metal vehicle and opened the door, placing the satchel, box and cats on the seat. 

"Y'all stay there for a bit," She told them Tobu meowed happily. 

"Ok, pretty lady!" The woman bopped him on the nose. 

"Sweetie!" She cooed. The then slipped a black metal device out of her jeans and began talking into it. 

 

"I'm home~" She squealed. Another woman came down the stairs- purple hair but ironic black clothes. 

"Aren't they cuuuuute?" She set us down, the knocked up over. The members came spilling out of the box, all still shaken by the tip. 

"There are ten cats in there, Meg. Not 'a couple'," The new woman growled, killer intent oozed from the woman.

"You said it was okay-" The newly dubbed Meg argued.

"When I agreed, I thought they had been vaccinated, litter trained, from a pet store! They are practical off the streets!" The woman scrunched her face and massaged her forehead.

"Practically?" Meg laughed nervously.

"No. You did not-" The woman froze angerly.

"Well, I did say found," Meg grabbed Itachi and tucked him between her breasts, scratching his little head.

"Shit, Meg," The woman groaned, observing the Akatsuki. "Cats are expensive- and we're a bunch of broke college students. What were you thinking?" 

"At least this one has common sense," Sasori drawled. 

"You're just jealous that you didn't get to ride in her massive-"

"Deidara. You and Hidan are the only ones who care about petty things like that,"  

"Right... Not jealous at all," Deidara snickers nudges Sasori hissed back, and lunged onto him. 

"Cat FIGHT!" Hidan yelled, loving all of it. The second woman, skillfully ignoring Sasori and Deidara, lifted the 20-pound Kisame with one hand, not paying attention to the resistance her showed. She shoved him in Meg's face. Itachi mentally winced, knowing what followed would not be pretty. 

"This is cute?" Hidan barked a laugh. 

"Holy fuck!"

"Yes!" Meg grabbed Kisame and cuddled him.

"You're cleaning up all of their messes," The woman glared.

"Sure," 

"And pay for them," 

"Already did," Meg said, lifting the pet store bag that Itachi guessed she had picked up on their way here.

"Clean up after them," 

"Fine,"

"And chores for a week. All of them," 

"Sure- wait, that's not fair!" She said, furrowing her brows. Christen shrugged her shoulders.

She said, furrowing her brows. Christen shrugged her shoulders. 

"Neither is bring home ten cats without notice," Meg left out some sort of defiant squeak. 

"I called you!" She protested. Christen rolled her eyes. 

"Yeah, about a couple of them," 

"Then you have to take care of the couple of them," Meg told her. Itachi watched as the woman's eyes flickered over him and a few others.

"Fine," The woman sighed. She sat down on the floor next to the Akatsuki.

"Come here..." The woman mumbled. Lifting Itachi up, and gently placing him on her lap. He didn't understand why the to were automatically drawn to him. "I'll guess I'll take the normal ones," Itachi guessed that black cats, despite the bad luck associated with them, were more likely to be adopted than blue ones. The woman then scooted Zetsu and Pein over and lay them down on her pants.

"Go along with it," Pein instructed. 

"Naming time!" Meg screamed abruptly. She snatched Tobi off the ground/

"I dub thee... Sugar! 'Cause you're so sweet!"

"Thank you, Miss!" Tobi said, licking her nose.

 "You're so cute! Yes, you are! Yes, you.." Meanwhile, the other girl waved Deidara over.

"You. Come here," She demanded. Deidra looked to Pein, who nodded. 

"Whatever, un," He said, allowing the quieter one to pick him up.

"Regina George," The woman finally said. 

'That's a bitch ass name, Dei-chan!" Hidan laughed. Deidara ignored him with a hiss and scurried back to the box where he was hiding earlier. Unfortunately, Hindan outburst caught the other girl's attention, who grabbed him. 

"Fuck!" Hidan yelled, being hoisted into the air. "Shiny!"

"Bitch!" Hidan spat back. The woman took it as confirmation that he likes his name.

"Who's my little princess?"

"FUUUUUUUCK YOU!" Hidan bellowed, outstretching his arm to slice her. Itachi watched in horror as his claws outstretched at ninja speed- then the woman, Meg dogged it equally as fast.  Itacho tried to activate his Sharingan, but had significantly less chakra as a cat and wasn't able to.

"I thought she was civilian..." Sasori said, equally as unnerved. The two humans, seemingly unaffected, carried on. 

"Okay...Prince, then," Meg said, still unfazed.

"That's better but still fucking bad," Hidan growled and sauntered over to the other woman, liking her better.

"Who has the bitch ass name?" Deidara teased.

"Shut up!" Was the best response Hidan could come up with. The insane woman then grabbed Kisame and flung him towards the woman.

"Shit!" Hisame yelped, as he was thrown across the room. Stong hands caught him and set him down next to Itachi.

"That was unexpected," Itachi commented.

"No shit,"  Kisame scoffed.

"Meg!" The woman raised her voice.  

"Well? Meg prompted.

"Blue," The woman said flippantly and played with the fur on top of Itachi's head. 

"No way! It has to be an actual name!" Meg argued. 

"Like "Shiny" or "Sugar"?"

"Touché,"  Sasori smirked.

"You tell her!" Hidan yelled.

"Fine. Blue." Meg then took unsuspecting Konan off her perch on the coffee table.

"What are you going to name this one, then?" She said. 

"Not Blue Two," Konan mumbled, rolling her eyes

"That would drive Meg up a wall," Sasori snarked. The woman paused, pretending to think.

"Blue... two," The woman smirked.  Hidan laughed hard. 

"No fucking way!" He howled. Deidara smirked.

"It's got a nice ring to it, Konan, un," He added. 

"Shut it," The blue cat snapped.

"No, no, absolutely not," Meg said.

"Fine. синий." The woman quipped. 

"Two languages. Nice," Kisame commented dryly.

"Fine," The other agreed.

"Idiot girl. That obviously means.." Kakazu mumbled.

 "Wait- that doesn't mean-" The wheels simply turned in her mind.

"I hate Russian," The woman said. 

"No matter!" She chirped, lifting Sasori up off the ground. 

"This is going to be gold," Deidara chuckled. 

"LOBSTER!" She named him. 

"Hell no," Sasori groaned. 

"Blue two is not a good name, but surely Lobster is," The woman snarked. 

"Shut up Chris!" Meg told her. "He's red, like a lobster!" She said in a "no duh" tone. 

"And she was blue, like the previous cat, that was blue, like the color blue," Meg groaned. 

"Black," Chris said, picking up the small dark kitty. 

"NO!" Meg disagreed immediately. "Not 'лодка', either," She argued. 

"Meg," Chris explained. "That means boat," Meg groaned. 

"BOAT!" Hidan snickered.

"Okay, cut me some slack. I tried," Meg threw her hands up, knocking a vase off the ground.

"One course on Dulingo does not qualify as 'trying'," Chris added Konan to her growing number of cats.

"Actually, I think I am going to name you Boat," She said to Itachi.   
"A boat and a Shark," Sasori commented. "Nice pairing, Leader-sama," He said sarcastically. 

"It could be worse, Lobster," Kisame fired back. 

 "EKHUWFAGRCD!" If there was a verbal sound for a Keyboard smash, this was it. "A cat named boat!" 

"...And this one will be Dog," Kakazu looked appalled. 

"This girl, Chris, un," Deidara laughed. "She's either stupid or hilarious," 

"I'd go with both," Sasori responded. 

"Purple," She told Pein. 

"She is trying to anger her partner," Itachi corrected.

"WHY?" Meg screamed. 

"Purple?" Konan looked at Nagato quizzically. 

"I suppose it has to do with the Rinnagan," He hypothesized. 

"It fits," The woman shrugged, once again returning to play with Itachi's fur. He could not argue that it didn't not feel good, but couldn't describe the sensation. 

"The cat is orange," No response. Chris seemed content with playing with Itachi. 

"He has purple eyes," She finally said. Pein nodded in agreement. The girl, Meg snatched him and yanked open his eyelid to inspect it. 

"Let me the FUCK Down," He growled. The Akatsuki looked mildly surprised; this was the first time they had heard their leader say anything like that. 

"Woman, I order you; RELEASE ME!" He yowled, but the woman brought his face closer to hers. 

Big mistake.


	3. Meg and Chris: Friend or Foes?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The time-out box is the most secured jail cell.

Pein growled and tried to launch at Meg, but she held a firm grip. 

"Woah, there, kitty," She smiled, restraining seven pounds of pure rage. Pein tapped into his feral side and bit her hand, drawing blood.

"Crappers!" She squealed, dropping Pein, who landed on his haunches. Deidara found it hard not to laugh when his leader, the world's most feared S-class criminal launched himself at the woman in an out of control spitting, hissing mess. No, this woman was obviously no civie. She had ninja reflexes and a dangerous soul, masked by her childish personality. But Deidara was smarter than some people and didn't fall for it. 

"Leader-sama!" Tobi squealed as the woman swatted the cat out of midair.

"Shut up, un!" Deidra snapped, swatting the black kitten on the head with his flexed claws. A childish personality is too cliche- who couldn't see past it?

"He's so stupid, yeah," He mumbled to himself regarding Tobi. Pein once more landed on his feet. 

"You're luck has been good so far kitty. Let's see how long that lasts!" She cheered. Pein growled ferally. 

"It's your luck that's running out," The orange tabby retorted. 

"No!" Konan yelled at him as her partner- once more- flung himself at the woman without a moment's hesitation. The woman caught the cat in mid-air- he was going about 15mph, relatively fast for a kitten- and put him in the box. Then the woman flipped the box over, put a couple of books on it, effectively trapping him in a box. 

"Let me out, idiot mortal," He loudly deman=nded, scripting at the plastic bin that was engaging him. The woman the took a knife from her back pocket that sent the Akatsuki into a panic. 

"She's gonna kill Leader-sama!" Tobi screamed. "NO! Pretty lady can't do that! Tobi must protect his Leader-sama!" He declared, jumping onto Meg's hair. HE landed on it with ease, and Deidara took a moment to admire the intense volume, as she didn't seem to feel it (or didn't care). The woman, in one swift motion, popped five holes into the box. 

"Jashin, I'm not gonna murder him," She murmured, detaching Tobi from the floofy, curly mass that was her hair. "Just letting the hellion breathe," She assured them. Hidan perked up at his diety's name. 

"FUUUUUCK YES!" He yelled. Sasori groaned. 

"Great, another one," Sasori mumbled. 

"What the fuck do you mean, another one ?" Hidan growled. 

"We already have a bat-shit crazy immortal on our team, we don't need three," Sasori rolled his eyes. 

"Tell me about it," Kakazu grunted. A pause. "Did you say three ?" He suddenly caught on. 

"So what if I did?" Sasori cockily lifted his chin as if to challenge him. 

"Careful puppet boy," Kakazu had an edge to his voice. "You don't have your dolls to protect you right now," Kakazu was the second tallest member, whilst Sasori was the smallest. In cat form- Sasori was about an eighth of the miser's size. This would either give him a disadvantage or allow him to slip through Kakazu's clutches. Deidara mused at the thought. 

Sasori was already mad at him when he flaunted his hight, so it was a wonder of what he might do to Kakazu. Instead of responding, Sasori lashed at one of the only exposed parts of Kakazu and left three claw marked shapes on his nose, dripping with blood. 

"I don't have to respond to your primitive insults," He mocked. Meanwhile, Deidara noticed, Konan was perched on yet another high place. 

"Chrissy! Chrissy!" Meg yelled, throwing Pein off her once more. "Help me get this crazy-ass cat off of me!" She screamed for help.  Konan's tail flicked slightly from her perch, then lept onto the counter, deciding she wanted a higher place. 

"CHRISSY!" The woman screamed once more. "CHRI- shit," Chis had sneaked off with Itachi as they were all caught up in the fight. Meg, in one swift movement, yanked Sasori away from Kakazu, who was ready to pounce and then Deidara. Once sung in her arms, Deidara watched in somewhat horror as Meg flew up the stairs- five at a time, taking her only two steps before reaching the top, before she skidded to a halt. 

"YEET!" She screamed, shocks allowing her to slid across the hallway to a room, which Deidara, quite frankly looked depressing. It was big but gloomy. Meg paused for a minute and set the two on the bed. Diedra was surprised at the softness of it and sunk into the mattress. 

"This is the life, yeah..." He said. Sasori grunted.  Deidara rolled over to get good exposure and spread his arms as far as he could and completely tarnished on the bed. Sasori, being conservative as usual, sat himself in the corner of the bed. The woman looked out the window, grabbed Deidara and hopped out.

"Watcha thinkin' 'bout?" Meg asked Chris, who was gazing at the sky. 

"What's she doing?' Deidara asked Itachi, who ignored him. the woman was rubbing Itachi's head and gazing up at the sky. 

"In an alternate universe, it must be possible for alternate verses to exist that not have any alternate verses..." Deidara laughed. 

"Holy shit, un," He exclaimed. 

"That is so stupid," She giggled. "Another one of your 'if everything is possible, then it's possible for the impossible to exist' situations, huh?" Meg giggled. The woman didn't respond.

"You're starting to sound like an Uchiha!" Itachi froze. 

"Seems we're not as far away as we thought, un," Deidra frowned. Itachi's Sharingan flashed for a moment.  The woman paused before speaking again. 

"...Hey, Meghan?" Chris asked cautiously. 

"Yes, Christen?" Meg responded in the same tone. 

"Do you ever wonder if.. nevermind, it's stupid," She ended up mumbling. Meg scooted over to her friend. 

"You know you can tell me anything, right?" Meg hugged her friend. Christen stiffened, the relaxed into the hug. 

"I know," Chris said. Deidara watched as the woman changed her breathing- a common technique ninja use to calm down. The two sat in relevant silence before a loud crash erupted from downstairs. Meg flinched, causing Deidara to r as well. 

"..I should go check on that, huh," MEg handed Deidara to Christen, who remained on top of the roof. 

"...Sometimes I like to g up hear to clear my head," She told the cats. 

"I can see why, yeah," Deidra snarked, referencing Meg's.. intense personality.  

"It's hard to not get caught up in life sometimes," Christen's stomach heaved, and she let out a sigh. 

"You're a civilian, what could you possibly worry about?' Itachi mused. The woman scratched his head, and Deidara watched in a museum as the Uchihas eyelids drooped in a half-lidded gaze, obviously enjoying it. 

"Meg's always doing something or other, running away from the police," Christen picked Deidara up and rest him on her soldier so he could get a better view. From here, he could see a whole forest; rivers, trees, and animals. 

"I could get used to this, un," HE purred. Itachi looked up and nodded silently. 

"It's hard to believe, almost, how my perfect little ray of sunshine is a wanted criminal," She told them. Deidara chuckled. 

"You won't believe who else is a criminal, un," Itachi didn't respond but relaxed in the woman's grip. 

"She's always trying to do the right thing, no regards for the law at all," Christen continued to the cat's amusement. "And I wouldn't mind it, but if she gets caught, when she gets caught..." 

"So that's why the lady had that thing chasing her, hm," Deidara mused. 

"She's just so stupid about it!" Chris explained in exasperation. "And I always have to clean up after her messes," She sighed. 

"Sounds like someone I know," Itachi murmured.

"CHIRS! GET DOWN HERE!" A voice called. Christen sighed, and gracefully limed out of the window, somehow keeping Deidara and Itachi in their same spots, along with carefully placing Sasori in her arms.

"Yes, Meg?" She asked calmly, walking down the stairs. 

"THIS LITTLE FUCKER BIT ME!" Meg held up her arm, with the orange tabby attacked to it. Meg shook her arm wildly, but 'Purple' maintained a steady grip. Hidan was laughing his ass off. Christen sat Deidara and Itachi back down on the floof and yanked Pein off of Meg, bit Pein wouldn't budge. 

"Pein, I think it's best you-" Konan started, but was interrupted as Meg swung her arm around in a circle, knocking everything within a distance. Konan fell onto the floor, along with a few books, a frame with a high school diploma and a glass of water. Whilst all the was happen, the later landed on top of Hidan, who went berserk. 

"WHO THE FUCK DID THAT!" Kakazu hissed with laughter. "C'MERE OLD BASTARD!" Hidan screamed, reaching for his partner, who for once was in the innocent. Kakaku dodged, and Hidan pounced onto Sluggish Sasori, who hadn't slept in years, and just woke up, therefore not knowing how to function after a nap. Hidan rammed into the red cat, who in return was tackled to the ground. Sasori then bit Hidan, who went into a frenzy, and the two began fighting. 

Another shelf took damage, this time because Meg had resorted to hitting Pein against things to make him release her. Books went flying, one knocking Toni flying into Deidara, who was pissed from coming down here in the first place. Deidrar swatted Tobi, who ducked, only increasing Deidrar's anger. Kisame, seeing a book travel his way, took shelter in the potted tree in the corner of the room. 

"Get out," ZBlack Zetsu hissed. Kisame bared his fangs."Please leave Kōjō and I alone," White Zetsu repeated. Kisame haughtily stepped closer and scratched his claws against the trunk.

"You named it 'plant' ?" KIsame chuckled.

"She," Zetsu corrected. "Are we going to have a Problem, Kisame?" Zetsu finally lept down from the branch. 

"Depends," Kisame cocked his head. Zetsu lunched, which Kisame dodged, by trying g to leap on to the wall, momentarily forgetting he didn't have chakra, and peeled off and landed face-flat in the dirt. Zetsu promptly sat on top of Kisame's face, claiming him as part of his property. 

Pein was slammed against the coffee table, that Kakazu was taking shelter under, which cracked under pressure, littering glass shards in his fur.

"STOP IT!" A loud voice yelled over all of them, in an authorized tone which then made everyone freeze. Hidan bit Sasori on the nose, who hissed in response, then the two got ready to resume the fight. Christen the took Hidan and put him in a box. 

"This is the Time-out box," She explained calmly as if talking to kindergartners. "If you behave poorly, you will sit in the time-out box," She said.  "And you behaved poorly," She told Hidan. 

"Fuck you, skank," Hidan hissed. 

"I love you too," She said dryly. Christen then brought out three other boxes and set them a foot apart, placing Kisame (which she had to remove from the dirt), Deidara and a hissing Sasori in the boxes as well.

"No talking," She told them. She then went to pick up Pein

"Hell no," He growled. Christen raised her eyebrow as if to say "was that a challenge?" and snatched him at inhuman speeds. 

"And you, Mr. Purple, don't get a Time-out box," She told him, cranking up the sweetness to level 11. Pein visibly relaxed. "You get to say in the exclusive Time-out closet." She put him in the small cupboard under the stair containing their cleaning supplies. 

"And you," She pointed to Meg. "Are grounded until further notice, paying for the coffee table, buying me dinner and have to write an essay on animal abuse," Meg sulked up the stairs.

"You five-" Christen addressed Zetsu, still up in his tree, curled up Tobi, glass-clad Kakazu, innocent Itachi and Konan, curled up on the highest space possible she could reach (on top of the fridge) "Better not cause any trouble," She told them. Christen swung open the fridge and grabbed a can of mountain dew, (I-need-a-drink-but-not-a-hangover-style), then reclined on the couch.

"I want a beer!" Hidan whined. 

"SHUT UP!" The woman snapped, popping in her earbuds and turning the laptop on. She snatched Itachi and cuddled him, then went to work on Netflix.

More reviews = more motivation = more uploads


	4. You're grounded! Christen's final Decision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The cats (and Meg) suffer in their time-outs boxes/closets/room.

“Chrissy!” Meg called from upstairs.

“What?” Christen said irritably, looking up from the laptop screen.

“The WiFi’s down!’ She screamed. Christen looked at the unplugged cables lying next to her and grinned.

“Read a book!” She yelled. Some shuffling was heard up stars.

“Chrissy!” Meg hollered again.

“What?” She responded.

“I can’t find a book!” Meg yelled. Christen groaned and chucked a book up the stairs. A moment of silence and Christen turned back to her show. Thank goodness for private hotspots.

“CRISSY!”

“WHAT?”

"THIS IN IN RUSSIAN!" 

Christen sighed, picking up Itachi for more snuggles. 

"Excuse me- Christen? -Do you mind- oh-" Itachi stopped talking as Christen found a special spot on his head.

"Itachi's gone soft!" Deidara teased. 

"No talking in the time-out box," Itachi smirked. Deidara growled. 

"CHRISSYYYYYY!" Meg yelled. Christen slammed her laptop shut and flung it across the room. 

"What now?" She hissed.

"CAN I COME OUT NOW?" Meg yelled. 

"Are you finished with that essay?" Christen asked. Meghan went quiet. 

"NOW?" She yelled again. 

"FOUR MORE DAYS!" Christen yelled back. 

* * *

 

"Do we know where we are?" Later that night, Itachi and the others had gathered around the time out-closet for a meeting. None of the Akatsuki could reach the doorknob to let him out, so they opted to work around that instead. 

"Certainly not in any of the five nations, un," Deidara commented, flicking his tail back and forth anxiously. Tobi was swatting it, like a kitten (with, supposedly, he was) and occasionally grabbing it, which drove Deidara all the more insane. 

"Than you, Deidara," Sasori spat sarcastically. "However did we miss such an acute observation."  Deidara hissed. 

"I suggest one of us accompanies wither Meghan or Christen outside," Zetsu added." So we can find out what the hell is going on," 

"Itachi will then accompany Christen," Pein decided. 

"Why him?" Hidan said, irritated. 

"He has seemed to win over Christen and is the most comfortable in his new body, therefore he has more feline qualities than the rest of us, which will allow him to analyze without aging suspicion. Christen seems to trust, and only trust him so far, as he did not partake in..." Pein paused. 

"The time-out session," Konan offered. Pein nodded. 

"Tomorrow, when Christen leaves her base, you are to accompany her," Pein instructed Itachi. Itachi nodded, secretly pleased that it was Chris he was joining, not Meg. 

"Meeting adjourned," Pein dismissed the rest of the Akatsuki. 

The cats stumbled around the place, looking for a sleeping area. Itachi and Kisame joined Christen in her room so they would know she woke up. Meg slept with Sasori, Deidara, and Hidan. Deidara and Hidan, for obvious reasons, and Sasori, because, quite frankly, he didn't trust the two. 

Konan slept outside of the closet, close to Pein, who slept on the other side. Zetsu dwelled in his plant, and Tobi was hanging on one of the branches. Kakazu fell asleep snugly inside a cabinet, still paranoid of attackers. 

* * *

The next morning, Itachi woke up pulled closely against someone's chest. He tried tow wriggly against their grip, but it seemed the more he struggled, the more the woman's grip was. Itachi gently played a pay on her face and pushed himself away from here. 

"No..." The woman moaned, grabbing her kitten back. Itachi found it hard resisting Christen's soothing aura, warmth, and the inviting bed but lept out of her grasp nonetheless. 

"Kitty..." Christen opened her eyes slightly so she would concern Itachi's position, and reached out to him, fingers barely grazing the size of his fur. 

"Lay with me," She pleaded innocently. Itachi took a glace outside the window- it was still dark. He was used to waking up every hour or so, paranoid for nightly attacks- but then remembered he was not at risk anymore. He was the same. His eyes flicked over to Kisame, breathing deeply, still asleep, and then to the half-lidded blue ones that held his gaze. Making up his mind, Itachi crawled back into the woman's grip and rest his head on her arm. Her breath gently ruffled Itachi's fur. It was an odd feeling, but not an unwelcome one. Christen nuzzled her nose into the soft fur behind Itachi's neck, and he momentarily forgot to breathe. He let out a soft sound of pleasure. bearly audible. 

It had been a while since Itachi had been at peace, and this was it. He was not concerned about Sasuke as much as usual, as he had already fulfilled his purpose, and was now in a land clearly far away from any Ninja village. Itachi slowly felt himself relax in Chris's presence, the rhythm of her beath lulling him to sleep. This time, though his night was not recked with nightmares, and instead he slept through a dreamless night. 

When Chris finally awoke, she did so as to not disturb Itachi, but he awoke with her. She gently placed him on the floor, allowing him to exit the room if he would his, but he stayed instead., only leaving her side when she went to shower. 

The sound of water filled the room as Chris went to wash up. 

"Itachi?" Kisame's raspy voice came from behind him. 

"Yes?" Itachi inquired. 

"Where is she?" Kisame lept off the bed with grace to join Itachi on the floor. 

"Bathing," Itachi nodded towards the bathroom door. 

"Damn. Do you think it's unlocked?" Kisame asked smirking. Knowing his partner fairly well, Itachi knew that Kisame was jooking. That didn't mean he found it funny.

"Even if it was, we can not reach the nob in order for us to go in,"  Itachi responded coolly. The water shut off, and Kisame quickly scurried back to the bed. Itachi sat there, for a bit, then walked over to the window seat. The door opened and out stepped Christen.  Her purple hair, now wet turned a vibrant shade of dark violet, contrasting her snow-white pale skin. Itachi could see some strands of blond (her natural hair color, he supposed) poke out. Christen's face, flushed from the warm water still, was makeup free and glowing. She wore a petite black towel around her body, just barely covering what she should keep to herself, and walked towards her dresser, towel slipping. Itachi seemed to be too stunned to say anything and only could watch as she slowly dropped the towel, so her bare chest was exposed. 

Luckily, her back was facing the two, so Itachi did not see anything he wasn't supposed to, but the thought that if he wanted to, he could, made his face become agonizingly warm. Christen tugged on a black spots bra over her head, and a shirt, barely long enough to cover her behind over than. She dropped the towel completely, espousing her self. Christen then turned around, to Itachi's horror. 

Perhaps she had noticed her audience? Itachi could not form words as he held up two of her undergarments for them to see. 

"Boy shorts or kitty panties?" She asked the two. Itachi sputtered, not being able to respond for the life of him. It wasn't that he was a prude, no. He had before rouge at age 14, and before that, his life was constantly plagued with missions, so he never had time for these things. And now, here he was, age 21, speechless because of a set of women's underwear. 

"Boy shorts," Came Kisame's gruff reply. The woman nodded and slipped them on. She then tagged on a pair of loose fitting shorts, that were barely an inch past the underwear she had put on previously. Christen then pulled a brush through her hair and tied it in a high knot, topped with a velvet black scrunchie. 

"Ta-da!" She gave sarcastic little jazz hands. Kisame snorted. 

"Time to make breakfast..." She mumbled to herself, grabbing the metal box along with a set of wires. 

"What do y'all want?' She asked them, trotting downstairs and flicking on the kitchen lights. 

"Omelets, bacon, French toast," She listed. "Avacado toast with Tea or Coffee, fruit salad, Cereal," She continued rambling until she hit Pancakes, which Kisame stopped her at. 

"Pancakes it is," She said, grabbing a stick of butter and chopping a bit off to lay it in the pan. Itachi lept up on to the counter as Christen added ingredients to the large bowl in front of her.

"Butter, sugar, flour," She mumbled to herself, mixing in the ingredients. 

"Do you like chocolate chips in your pancakes?' She asked Itachi. When he didn't respond, she snorted. "This is it. After living with Meghan for two years, I've finally cracked," Christen sighed. 

"I'm taking that as a yes, just so you know," Itachi smiled to himself and make himself comfortable between the fruits placed on the counter. 

"I like her," Kisame said to Itachi. 

"She is someone I'd like to keep around," Itachi admitted. 

"Much better than that Meghan girl," He added. Itachi would've shrugged, but opted to flick his tail. 

"She just seems less... eccentric. More our pace," Itachi corrected. He didn't mind Meg, he just preferred the snarky, quick-witted type, which Chris happed to be. He watched as she whisked the batter together with ease, and dropped inch-by-inch dots into the pan, then flipping them with ease once they turned golden-brown. 

"Smells good," Kisame grunted. 

"Thanks," The girl said over he shoulder, knot knowing what he said, but getting the gist. 

"What are you doing up already?" A tired voice asked from the top of the stairs. 

"Good morning, Shiny," Christen said. "I'm talking to cats and making pancakes for them today. Would you like to join us?" She drawled sarcastically. 

"Well, only 'cause you already woke me up, bitch," Hidan scrambled onto the bar stool, using that as leverage to boost himself onto the counter, where he watched as the girl cook an abundance of miniature pancakes for the Akatsuki. 

"What is she making?" Konan asked groggily, walking up from outside the closet. 

"Pad cakes," Hidan told her. 

"Pancakes," Kisame corrected. 

"Fuck you," Was Hidan's retaliation.

"For everyone?" Konan inquired. Itachi nodded mutely. Christen's attention turned to Konan. 

"How's it going, babe?" Chris asked. Konan looked confused at her address. 

"Not too well. Pein is getting frustrated from within the closet," She responded truthfully. 

"I'll let Purple out for you on one condition," Christen held up a finger. 

"You don't get to make the conditions," Pein snarked within his space. 

"He doesn't pick any fights.," Konan smiled and meowed cutely, and Cristen opened the closet. Pein came bolting out, ready to attack anyone who dared challenge him. 

"Where is the tall one?" Pein snapped, referring to Meg. Konan remained silent, fearful that Pein would kill her in her sleep. 

"Breakfast?" Christen offered Pein a small plate with the Pancakes, butter, and syrup, which he promptly knocked over. 

"Do you want to go back in there?" She asked, gesturing to the closet. PEin backed up, almost apologetically, and tried his best to place them back where they were. 

"That's better," Christen smiled. "Enjoy, you two!" She smiled at them with a wink and then went back to finish making enough for two grown girls and ten cats.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter: Meg and Deidara bond over making fun of Chris and her cat. The faster you comment, the faster I update!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A library job is all fun and games until you have an asshole of a boss.

"This is good stuff," Kisame grunted, finishing off another pancake. Hidan mumbled something in agreement. Christen buzzed around the kitchen, making enough for everyone. 

"MORE BITCH!" Hidan yelled at her. 

"Are you hurt?" She whipped his head around in his sudden abrupt episode. 

"Give me more," He demanded. 

"Aw, I'm glad you like it," She cooed, completely missing the point. "Now, I've got to leave for work in a bit, so mind your manners," She said, slipping on a lanyard with large, bold letters, reading "STAFF". 

Christen went around to gather various items. While she was preoccupied, Itachi hopped into the ban she had placed by the door. In it was a smaller bag and some other items, like a coat and a sketchbook, Itachi noted. He burrowed himself under the fuzzy sweater and waited for her to carry on. 

"You guys can just chill here, or go back to sleep. Try not to make any messes," She instructed them. Itachi felt her lift the bag and tried his best to remain still. Christen then flung him into the large vehicle he was once transported to the house with, and Chris and revved the engine.

* * *

"Good morning!" Meg greeted Deidara sweetly. 

"Mornin' " He yawned. Meg giggled, seeing his small kitty jaws. 

"You're so cute," She gave him a warm smile. 

"You ain't so bad looking yourself," Deidara replied smugly. 

"Stop oogling the girl!" Sasori snapped from above. Deidara looked for the source and saw Sasori perched on the fluffy mass that was her hair.

"Kinda hard when you see what she's wearing," Deidara responded, eyes raking over the see-through top and overly-short sleeping shorts dotted with stars and smiley faces. Sasori visibly rolled his eyes, and lept gracefully off the girl, landing on the bed, which we also exited. 

"Pervert," Sasori grumbled, exiting the room. Deidara smiled brightly at Meg, now alone. Not that he could do anything, he was a cat, and she...

She was the color of warm earth he so fondly played with, face constantly smiling. Her eyes were a sparkling hazel, and her hair was a poof of voluminous mass that made Deidara wish he was human only so he could rake his fingers through it. The sheets hugged her curved body, and Deidara could make out the six-pack beginning to form. And after all that, she leads a dangerous life and seemed to piss the leader off more than he would have ever wished. 

Truly, a woman after his own heart. 

Meg slowly sat up, stretching her arms and letting out a long yawn. 

"Ahh," She sighed contently, back cracking. Deidara tried not to watch, but he could not tear his eyes off of the woman. She wouldn't have been much older than him- she was tall but still shorter than Deidara. Meghan seemed about 18-19, while Christen looked to 20(ish).

"Breakfast!" She chirped, not having the decency to change out of Deidara's sight. She sported a lacy bra and a crop top which showed her stomach and bralette. Meg put on a pair of (slightly longer) shorts, ripped up and down the seams, embroidered in daisies. Deidara watched as she tucked a knife down her shirt and stuck one in her waistband. 

"Ready?" She asked the kitten, slipping on white and yellow smiley-faced low cut socks and sliding childishly down the hardwood hallway and trotting downstairs. 

"Ooh! Pancakes!" She smiled. "Did you make them?" She poked Sasori in the cheek, and he growled. 

"Of course," The red cat snarked. "I, a cat, got up to make breakfast for you," 

"Silly kit-" She started, then caught a glimpse of Pein. "AGGUUUGH!" She screamed, grabbing the rolling pin off the table and pointing it at him. Pein maturely ignored her and continued to eat.

When She saw that Meg didn't respond, she gently set down the pin and helped herself to the pancakes Chris must've made earlier. MEg caught Deidara staring. 

"You want something to eat?' She asked sweetly. 

"Can that 'something' be you?" Deidara tried to flirt. 

"I'll get you a plate," Meg told him, grabbing a saucer, and piling a couple of pancakes on it. 

"This is the life," Deidara said, relaxing on the sofa as she came to bring him his food. 

"Tell me about it," Hidan yawned in agreement.

"I can't believe she made cat-sized pancakes..." Meg mumbled into her food. "She must like having cats more she thought she would- specifically, Boat," 

"Trust me kiddo, Itachi is smitten with her too," Kisame Barked a laugh. 

"It's like they are in love or something..." She continued. 

"Ew, bestiality. I hope not," Meg suddenly realized. Deidara smiled. 

"Not if we turn back soon..." He nudged her suggestively. Sasori sighed and played with his food. 

"I hope Itachi is enjoying his time out.." 

* * *

Itachi was  _not_ enjoying his time out. 

Christen, he learned, worked at a library. 

Okay, so he could deal with that. 

Not when he found out what that meant. Now, normally he would imagine a library read a lot at the front desk. Or helped people check out books. Or shelve books. 

Certainly not _story time_. Christen, from what he observed, did not enjoy this either- either that or the books she was forced to read. She read all the books in a condescending voice, and with animated jerky movements. 

"And the princess said, _no, I don't need some random dude to drag me into a life of_ _royalty_ _. I'm_ _perfectly_ _fine_ _here,_ _thank_ _you very much!_ And punted the egoistic prince out of her tower and live happily ever after with her animals and pet dragon," Christen said, obviously not reading what was on the page. The children laughed and giggled in front of her, pleased with the story. 

An adult voice cleared it's the throat. 

Christen was good with kids, Itachi noted. Not with adults. 

"Next book." She said, picking one up from the pile next to her. Itachi, from his hideout, watched as she pulled out one with cartoon animals. 

"Blue hat," She rolled her eyes at her boss. "Green hat,"  Itachi internally sighed, already knowing what was approaching. 

"I have a green hat, You have a blue hat. The colors do not matter. We are equal. The end," She revised the story. 

"Just kidding," Christen glowered. She cleared her throat. And began reading the story properly. If one were to ignore the words she spoke, she had a very nice voice. Itachi visibly relaxed, listening to the childish stories somehow soothing him. But then she would pick up the pace, harshly brash, and he would snap out of it. Normally, she would do such as she got off track, conversing with the children and asking them what they thought that line meant, and if the character was a nice charter. Then, her boss would remind Christen was she was supposed to be doing, and she would resume in the same condescending tone as before. 

"There's a Woket in my Pocket!" Sh read the title out loud. "By Dr. Souess," A small child raised her hand. 

"Yes, Cindy?" She asked warmly. 

"What's a Wocket?" Cindy asked. Christen responded by asking her own question. 

"Well, what do you think a Wocket is?' Cindy struggled  to respond, then replied with:

"It's a small pink horse which fairy shoes," Chris smiled. 

"All right then," Christen began reading the book once more. 

* * *

"So then I said, what do you mean 'Teflon'? Britanny, maybe you should spend less time on those plastic boulders glued to your chess, and invest in a nice pair of glasses!" Currently, Meg was ranting about her frienemy, as she a put it, to the rest of the Akatsuki. 

"...And then she has the AUDACITY to roll her eyes!" Meg exclaimed. 

"Wow. What a bitch." Sasori drawled. 

"So then I slapped her, and SHE got mad at ME!" Meg continued to bitch about her, Konan sighed. 

"I can not believe someone would take offense to physical abuse," Sasori responded flatly.

"I'm leaving," Kisame grunted and went upstairs. 

"So then I was like: No matter how much CoverGirl you inhale, you will never be pretty on the inside!" Meg said, oblivious to the uncaring crowd of cats. 

"Burn." Sasori rolled his eyes. 

"So I punched her and got suspended from Yale." Meg paused. "Well, I punched her and set her dorm on fire. But, it was my dorm too at the time,"

Deidara looked up at Meg witch wide, sky blue eyes, not expecting the twist. "Damn." Was all he said. 

"Bitch is a fucking PYRO!" Hidan obnoxiously barked in laughter. Konan looked slightly concerned from upon the shelf.  What was it with her and high places?

"And then, they're all," Meg sucked in a deep breath, ready to mock the officials. "You can't do that. You have to pay for that," Sasori ignored her for the most part, flicking a bit or carpet back and forth. 

"When will Itachi-sempai be back?" Tobi whined. Deidara growled. 

"Shut it, un! I'm trying to listen to the story!" 

"Sorry Deidara-sempai-" Tobi squeaked. 

"Honestly, Deidara, it's a wonder you are not asleep or bored out of your mind right now," Kakazu gestured to everyone else. Indeed, the only one actively engaged was Tobi, Sasori, and Deidara, (less so Sasori, he was just there for the occasional sarcastic remarks. 

"That's rude, un!" He protested. 

"Not really..." Sasori droned. "Meg is incredibly repetitive and obnoxiously cheerful," Deidara tried to swipe at the red cat but Sasori dodged before he even knew it was coming. Deidara looked to Hidan for help- he knows Hidan like the woman as well- but Hidan was dozing in the sunlight of the afternoon. 

"You get the just of it after only five minutes," Kakazu shrugged. "And it's been 48," 

"That's about ten times more then we needed to have been sitting here," Sasori explained. 

"That's what I implied," Kakazu eyed Sasori wearily, who showed no intention of retracting his statement, nor his claws. 

* * *

"Lunch break.." Christen let out a sigh of contentment.  "You can come out now,"  She addressed Itachi. Itachi looked mildly impressed at her awareness but felt disappointed in himself that he could not keep himself as hidden as he would have wished. 

He wondered how long she had noticed him there. 

"I'm thinking Pad Thai." She said, picking him up from the bag slung across her shoulder. Now that the books were absent, the bag was lighter and less crowded. However, accessories such as her drawing pad and computer devices still crowded it. It was the smaller bag; the one filled with her keys. Christen rested Itachi on the seat next to her, along with her bags. 

Starting the car, Christen bucked her self in (Itachi too, though he's not sure why). Christen dug out the metal box she had rested in her bag for the majority of the day, tapped it a few times, and it began ringing. 

Itachi was alarmed with Meg's voice came out of the other end. 

"Hey, I have an hour break. I'm picking up food at Krub," Christen explained, taking a turn to the left. "Want anything?"  Itachi would hear his teammates in the back round (namely Sasori and Kakazu) fighting. 

"YASSS!" Meg squealed. "Say hi to Joey!" Christen rolled her eyes. 

''Okay, sure," She agreed. "What do you want to eat, though?" 

"Sauteed Chicken and fruit salad," Meg requested. 

"Cool beans. Do you need anything from Target? It's on my way back," Christen said, pulling up the small building, with the word "KRUB" Illuminated. 

Gabbing Itachi, she clicked the button on her keychain twice, and the thing that she had called 'her car' flashed and clicked. 

"Hmmm... Can you pick up some pop tarts? We're out," 

"Okay. That all?" 

"And Nail Polish. Regina could use it." Christen snorted. 

"Goodbye, Meg," 

"BYEEEE-" Christen tapped the device, silencing her friend oenmore, and entering the shop with Itachi in hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Starting as of now, I will be doing requests/ Questions. 
> 
> q1: Submitted by Allison on Quotev:
> 
> How would you feel about Chris snapping cause of loud ass neighbors doing the dirty 😏
> 
> Inspired by www.instagram.com/p/BuEdjX6lrm6/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=8n7ax3ccbrii


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catfight in alise one!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please submit any questions obnoxious comments or messages! I am a very active user!

"Hello, welcome to Krub's, thank you for dining with us this evening. How can I help you?" The man behind the counter asked. "Christen!" He suddenly realized who he was talking to. 

"Hey, Jo," Christen greeted. "Can I get the house salad, Sauteed chicken, fruit salad and today's boba to go?" She ordered. Joey nodded vigorously. 

"Meg says hi!" She called as he went to the kitchen to tell the chef. Chris took a seat at the table by the window and placed Itachi on the table.

"Ooh, is she still hanging with the hunky guy?" Joey asked, pulling up a chair and sitting next to her. 

"Matt? Nah, after he tried to touch her without consent, she cut him off," Chris explained. "Literally," Joey winces. 

"...oof." He mumbles. "And who's this sweetheart?" He gestures to Itachi the table. 

"That is 'лодка,'" She says. "It means a boat," Joey laughs sadly. 

"Meg attempts to go Russian again, eh?" Christen gives him a sly grin.

"Remember when she went Japanise for that new manga?" She nudged him. 

"OH MY GOD!" Joey laughs in delight. 

"Good morning my house is meg. How is your lamp?" They chorused. 

"Best three days of my life!" Joey exclaimed. 

"Where is your tampon swords?" Christen recalled. 

"Die who fish?" Joey responded. Christen gave him a knowing look, and Joey returned it with a condescending grin of his own. 

"My favorite food is telephone horse," She started. "Morning leprechaun prawns?" 

"I do not earth," he smiled back. Itachi got the feeling that Meg was not a Bilingual she sh expressed. 

"She says hi by the way," Christen said, still smiling. 

"Ask her what her favorite color is," Joey responded. 

"Nah, I'm pretty sure it's still dog," Christen shrugged.

"Let me get you your food," Joey said, standing up and tucking in the chair. Christen nodded and scooped Itachi and stood up. 

"Order for Chris!" Joey called, handing her a small take-out bag. 

"Thanks, Jo," 

"Hey, uh, tell Meg I said hi," Joey mumbled as she walked out the door.

* * *

"T-T-T-T-TARGET!" Christen yelled, rolling the store. It was red, but even that was an understatement. Christen locked the car once more and put Itachi in her bag. 

Once stepping into the store, she snatched a small handbag and stated off. 

"Poptarts, cereal, flour, sugar, chocolate chips, nail polish, fuzzy socks, and milk." Shine said to herself. "Poptarts, cereal, flour, sugar, chocolate chips, nail polish, fuzzy socks, and milk," She repeated. 

"I cannot forget the socks," She told Itachi. 

"But why do you need socks?" Itachi said (meowed in response). 

"Meg wants them. She said Your tabby friend destroyed hers," Christen commented absent-mindedly, still having no idea what her partner was saying. 

Christen strolled into the clothing and grabbed the nearest pair she could find (they had My Little Pony On them, but at this point, she didn't care) and pivoted to the produce aisle. 

"What do cats even like?" Che asked Itachi as she walked down the aisle to the food. 

"Kives and swords," Itachi answered honestly. "Maybe paper, puppets and bombs," 

"Yeah, I was thinking Catnip too," Christen responded. She chose a few toys and walked off. 

"Ooooh, I want to make cheesecake," Christen said, grabbing c couple cartons of cream cheese. 

"That's my favorite," She told Itachi. 

'Have you had any??" She asked rhetorically, the paused. "Wait, no. You're a cat- can cats even have cheesecake?"

* * *

And THEN she said: Shut up! But I didn't  _want_  to shut up..." Meg ranted. The doorbell rang, and she lept up to get it. 

"FOOD!" She cheered, fling open the door. 

"And Chris," Christen said dryly. 

"And Chris," MEg repeated, taking the take-out bag from her friend, who mumbled about Meg's ungratefulness. Chris took the groceries to the kitchen and just put them all in the fridge, forgetting the socks and toys were in there as a week. She then knelt next to the (still broken, but held together still) coffee table and let Itachi down next to her. 

"Finally, yeah," Deidara said. 

'What do you mean,  _finally?_ " Sasori goaded. "You seemed like you were enjoying yourself, Deidara,"

"Shut up, un!" Deidra hissed, embarrassed.

"It's true," Kisame snorted, coming down the stairs.

"And THEN she said: Shut up! But I didn't  _want_  to shut up..." Meg ranted. The doorbell rang, and she lept up to get it. 

"FOOD!"She cheered, fling open the door. 

"And Chris," Christen said dryly. 

"And Chris," MEg repeated, taking the bag from her friend, who mumbled about Meg's ungratefulness. Chris knelt next to the (still broken, but held together still) coffee table and let Itachi down next to her. 

"Finally, yeah," Deidara said. 

'What do you mean,  _finally?_ " Sasori goaded. "You seemed like you were enjoying yourself, Deidara,"

"Shut up, un!" Deidra hissed, embarrassed.

"It's true," Kisame snorted, coming down the stairs.

Christen took out the Thai food and fed Itachi a crispy noddle that was on top of her salad. 

"Delicious," Kisame said. Truthfully, he didn't care for it, but it had a nice crunch. That reminded him of bones when he crushed them. 

MEg ripped off a bit of her chicken and gave a bit to Deidara, who nibbled on it gently. 

"That's mine," Kisame decided,  shoving Deidara out of the way and eating the rest whole. 

"Hey!" Deidara wined. Christen scooped Kisame up and brought him to the kitchen, where she took out a large, raw stake, cut about half of it off and placed it down in front of Kisame. 

"Share this," She instructed, but Kisame had no intention of doing so. 

"What's that?" Hidan asked, peeking into the kitchen to reveal the shark covered in maat. 

"Mine," Kisame growled. 

"C'mon man!" Hidan whined. 

"No," Kisame said. 

"FUCKER!" Hidan declared, pouncing on Kisame, taking him by surprise. 

'Hey- wait- no!" Kisame said, pinning Hidan down away from his food. 

"That's mine!" He growled. 

"I SAID SHARE, BLUE!" A loud dominating voice came from the living room. 

"But what if he's an asshole?" Kisame whined. 

Christen got up and threw a quarter of the stake at Hidan. 

"HIS IS _BIGGER!_ " 

" _I_ am bigger," Kisame snarked. "I need more food than you,"

Hidan hissed once last time and took his stake off tp the corner of the kitchen and went to town. Back in the living room, Chris and Meg were discussing MEg's current relationship status. 

"Matt,"

"Ugh, Matt,"

"Joey seemed happy that you both went your separate ways,"

"No,"

"He's a great guy,"

"No," 

"You don't think he's a great guy?"

"I do, but no,"

"I'm not saying anything," 

"Yes, you are," 

"Not I'm not, just saying that he was happy to see you two apart,"

"He was just happy that I'm not hanging around an abusive asshole anymore,"

"He was happy because _you're_ happy,"

"I don't like him in that way. He's my bro," 

"I never said you had too,"

"No," 

"Why not?" 

"Just, no,

Christen sighed and raked a fist though her purple hair. "Look, I just-"

"NO!" Meg cried. "Stop trying to play matchmaker when I'm not interested!"

"Meg, He's a great guy," Christen said wearily. 

"IF he's so great, why don't you date him?" 

"You know damn well why," 

"I don't need your help!" 

"CAN you place be? After Matt-" 

"YOu liked him too, at first!"

"At first! Then I caught him perving over younger girls and the bruises along your back!"

"So you're saying I can't make good choices?"

"Maybe- I'm not the one who had 28 different Identity and am wanted in four different countries!"

"I'm my person!"

"You damn well are! But that doesn't mean you're invincible! You don't want people like that in your life!" 

"I DON'T WANT YOU IN MY LIFE!" MEg snapped, the clamped her mouth shut one Christen didn't respond. 

"Then get out," Chris said evenly. 

"Chri-" 

"Get. Out," She spat. 

"You can't do that!" Meg argued. 

"Yes, I can. I have plenty of material to file an eviction. You will stay in a hotel tonight," 

"Chris-" 

"You have fifteen minutes to pack what you need for the night," She said. "Tomorow you can come back for the rest of your stuff. 

"Chris!"

"No,"

* * *

Once Meg left, Chris let out a shaky sigh and slumped down on the couch. Her phone rang, perking the cat's curiosity. 

"What's that?" Sasori pondered, walking over to observe it. 

"A communication device" Itachi's tail twitched. Meg was most likely trying to contact Chris. Chris picked up the phone, look at it, and set it back down letting it continue to ring. Itachi watched MEg's smiling face, captirued in a picture in a garden with a flower in her hair vibrate the screen. It stopped ringing for a moment, the started again. CHristen turned it off and tossed it in the closet where it landed with a crash, and stopped buxxing. Chris, out of habbit picked up Itachi and coddled him close to her chest. Then, she pulled Kisame twords her. 

"I though she didn't like me," Kisame smiled. 

"IF she didn't would she have fed you that steak? Or cuddle with you?" Sasori rolled his eyes. "I'm going to bed," 

"It's only 2-fucking-30!" Hidan called as he started up the stairs. 

"Deidara and Tobi are not here," Sasori stated. MEg had took them out with her. "I'm taking advantage of it," 

"You know, this isn't so bad," Kisame mumbled into Chris's sweatshirt-covered abdomen that he was laying on. 

"Hn," Itachi grunted. Christen let out a shakey yawn, and a tear escaped her eye.

"Sorry," She smiled wearily. "Tired, I guess," Kisame narrowed his eyes. He recognized that excuse- she just didn't want to showcase her emotions. Kisame respected that but didn't understand why she would hid them in a ninja-less society.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Christen- Well, if it happened only once, Christen would pop in some headphones and ignore it. However, if this was a reoccurring thing, she'd ask them to stop. If they didn't... Christen would purchase heavy duty-speakers, or rent them. Once acquiring them, she'd play porn, blasting all the loud sounds, moans, and movement though them. If they were upstairs, she'd position the speaker angled towards the ceiling, as high as she could. Downstairs, she'd lay them down on the floor, so they'd feel the awkwardness. If that didn't work, she continue to play obnoxious music (Ali-A intro, wii theme, Sheck’s “GET OUT OF MY SWAMP” remix, and possibly some loud, obnoxious beeping and buzzing. You know, the kind that makes you get migraines if you listen to them long enough) through the depths of dawn, only stopping once either she received a formal apology or they’d move out. If confronted, she’d shug and deny it. If she couldn't sleep because of them, she would give them the courtesy of not letting them sleep- or you know, other bedtime activities- in peace either.
> 
> Meg- See the video, I’m sure she would do the same. Either that, go to the door and loudly ask if she could join in. Meg is the kind of person to wrap didlos in obnoxous “It’s a Girl/Boy” Paper, top it with a bow and leave it outside the door. I’m sure’d get the hint, especially after the gift-wrapped condoms she left taped to their door. If the neighbors outwardly asked if it was her doing, she’d grin and ask if they liked them, and if they’d recommend them. 
> 
> I don’t know if this was what you were looking for, but I had fun writing it!


	7. Chapter 7

It was peaceful. 

At least for a moment, it was. 

Deidara wasn't sure what to think when he was suddenly confronted with two screaming girls. One, on the other hand, was in hysterics and a wanted criminal. The other one was calm and quiet, but an edge in her voice he recognized as killer internet. One had a fork in her hand, yelling profanities and threatening to use it. The other one didn't see such a weapon, Deidara was sure she would kill the woman bare hands if needed. 

In all of his years as a wanted criminal, he had never felt so...afaid. Sure, he was a kitten, and sure, he wasn't in the range of fire, but between Christen's authority and quiet rage, and  Meg's background and physical advantage, he wasn't sure who would win. 

All he knew is he didn't want to be caught in the crossfire. So when Meg snatched him and Tobi and started the engine of her traveling device, his fear was well placed.

Sure, he barely qualified as an adult, but as a teenager, he recognized this kind of places. And he knew that Meg was scarcely an adult as well and that alcohol would fuck her up. 

Bad. 

On first-hand experience, he recalled the buzz of the drink in his hand and the dangers of drinking alone, especially if one (though, in his case) knew you were a woman. 

Deidara remembered that even with all of his ninja training, he was weak to the liquid. He remembered his inability to perform the simplest of tasks, the way his words smeared when he tried to speak, the way he couldn't recall any of his common sense, as if that tiny glass cup had sucked all of it up and replaced it with nonsense. He remembered his vision blurry like he was wearing glasses, and the stable of his feet when he tried to walk.

He remembered the throbbing of his he the day after. He remembered the bottom of the crappy toilet he had emptied his previously digested meals and drinks into.

"Meg, un," Deidara protested as she pulled up to the building blaring loud, obnoxious music and advertising naked women. 

"I need a drink," She grumbled. 

"Not here, yeah," He told her. Deidara knew it was frowned upon to drink alone, but knew it was even worse to drink alone in a shady nightclub bar that promised nothing but regrets. As Meg opened the door, he latched himself onto her shirt, effectively tearing it. 

"Fuck off," Meg snapped, ripping him off and throwing him back in the car. Deidara had throbbed from the blunt force; then he opened his eyes once more to see a flabergasted teen. 

"I haven't even taken a sip of alcohol, but I the only explanation for is that I'm drunk," Meg declared. Deidara wondered what she was talking about, then tried to stand up, effectively banging his head agast the roof of the automobile. He paused, wondering how she got so tall until he caught sight of his hands. He perfectly ordinary, human hands. 

He watched Meg analyze him with weary eyes. 

"Who the fuck are you?" She snapped. 

"Regina?" He offered weakly.

"The hell you ain't," Meg spat, reaching into her back pocket. "Where's my cat, and who are you?" She repeated once more. 

"Deidara, yeah," He answered truthfully. "And I am your cat,"

 

* * *

 

The house phone rang. 

Christen lazily gazed over her shoulder towards the wall and skimmed the caller ID, and groaned one she read the name. Instead of getting up to answer it, she popped some earbuds in and resumed her movie. 

It was too soon to deal with her shit. 

 

* * *

 

"Ok, ok," Meg took her head in her hands. "You mean to tell me; you're from an alternate reality full of ninjas?" She snapped. Deidara rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. Currently, they here having a heartfelt conversation in the hotel, where Meg was still having a hard time grasping that one over her favorite eligible characters from one of her favorite animes stood before her.

Deidara squirmed under her glare and adjusted the towel around his waist. When he had "transformed," as he put it, Deidara appeared in the nude. 

"Hey, can I borrow some clothes, un?" He asked. 

"What? Oh, yeah," Meg said, throwing him her duffle bag.  "Help yourself," Deidara dug through the bag, trying to find something suitable. Unfortunately, nothing seemed quite the right size. Meg was taller than Chris, sure, but was shorted than Deidara by a couple of inches. Since his- Death? He wasn't quite sure what to call it- He had appeared to grow a bit more, and his hair and hair grew longer. He assumed it was as if he was in a trace- still growing, still breathing, still living- but not quite alive.

Deidara tugged on a blue shirt and a pair of humiliatingly short shorts and had tied his hair up into his regular style, sitting across from Meg.

"I rented a room with only one bed," 

"I know, un, I can tell," 

"I didn't expect you to come along,"

"Yeah,"

An awkward pause. 

"You're sleeping on the floor," Meg decided. 

"WHat? Why? How is that fair?" Deidara protested. He had shared a beg at least half the size of this current one with KISAME before, and Kisame was much bigger than Meg. 

"You're a guy. I'm a girl. Do the math," Meg said, shoving him off the bed. 

"You're not gonna get pregnant in your sleep if that's what you mean!" Deidara climbed back on the bed, but Meg shook him off with her foot. 

"Obviously not, but I'm not sharing my blankets with you!" Meg explained. "You're a ninja; you should be used to this!" 

Deidara scoffed. "I'm a ninja, I should be used to this," He mocked her in a high pitched voice. "You should hear yourself, un," 

"Not helping your case, kid," Meg sneered. 

"Kid?" Deidara protested. "I'm ninteen!" MEg paused. 

"When's your birthday?" She asked. 

"May fifth," Deidara cocked his eyebrow, silently asking her to do the same. 

"Shit," Meg sighed. Deidara couldn't help a smirt cover his face. Meg mumbled something. 

"What?" He goaded her. She mumbled something a little louder. 

"Care to repeat that?" 

"I SAID JUNE FIFTEENTH!" She yelled at him. Deidara let out a low laugh that made Meg's stomach tingle slightly. She whacked him on his head, which he narrowly avoided. 

"Watch it, kid," He poked her in the stomach or at least attempted to, as she caught his hand a twisted hit backward. Deidara sat there and let it happen. 

"Double jointed," He gave her a cheeky grin, and his hand opened to reveal a large, wet, very human tongue. Meg yelped as it licked her hand and quickly released her hold on Deidara. Her other hand went to where the mouth had licked her. 

"Can I see it?" She asked, reaching out to Deidara's palm. 

"Hm?" He asked, letting her grab and inspect his hand. It was not the reaction he had expected. Other girls had found it disgusting and wanted nothing to do with it-him- or worse, tried to use it for their own sexual fantasies, which Deidara, quite frankly, found hilarious. Why would anyone-?

"Do it again," Meg demanded. Deidara smiled slightly at her curiosity and consented, allowing her to observe his hand-mouth, ego slightly swelling. 

"Can I touch it?" She asked, taking his hand into hers. Deidara paused for a second. 

"Sure, hm," He agreed. Meg began to poke his palm, feeling where the bone met the mouth, and where the muscles were and how they moved. 

"Can you eat with it?" She asked, feeling over where the skin shields the teeth. 

"Hypothetically, I guess, un," Deidara shrugged. "I've never really tried," He confessed. Meg hummed and continued to mess with it. She gently ran her finger over his hand's set of teeth, and Deidara halted in all movement.

"Did it hurt?" She dropped his hand into her lap.

"No, un," He said, allowing Meg to pick his hand up again. "It just- felt weird, yeah,"

"Sorry-" She began to apologize, but Deidara stopped her.

"It's fine, un. I just wasn't expecting it, that's all, yeah," He really didn't want her to feel afraid of his hands- she was the only one other than him, of course, to ever show genuine interest in it, not because of it's capabilities or it's origin.

"Can I see the tongue?" She asked, leaning slightly forward, running her thumb over the slit where the mouth began. His right hand's tongue darted out swiped over her fingers playfully, and he saw her shiver at the touch, and suddenly, he understood the sex appeal of his hands. 

"It looks human," She decided. "Long, wet, but human," Meg concluded. Deidara smirked, seeing an opportunity, and being a teenage boy; he took it. 

"Wanna know what else is long, wet and human?" He said slyly, leaning in to close for comfort. Meg dropped his hand and all other interest with it and shoved him away. 

"That's it," She said kicking him off the bed. "Now you're definitely sleeping on the floor." Deidara sighed, accepting defeat. 

"Can I sleep on the couch?" HE asked eagerly. 

"No." Meg snapped, turning off the lights. Meg quietly crawled into bed and wrapping her self in the crappy hotel covers and sighing sadly, reminiscing her memory foam and duvet duo back at her house. Her old house. 

"Good night," She whispered into the quiet air filled with rustling and heavy breathing, reminding her of Deidara's presence. 

"Oh, I will," He responded huskily. The unwanted feeling in her stomach spread lower, and she shivered in her covers- not because she was cold, unfortunately. 

"Shut up." She snapped. 

Meg's heavy breathing stopped as she let out an abrupt groan, shifting Deidara's sleep pattern and waking him. He rubbed his eyes slightly and cursed at his lack of scope. He could still see well enough. Well enough to make out Meg's vulnerable position- arms and leg spread slightly. One arm covered her forehead and the other laid trailing off the bed. He gently returned it to the bed and rolled the covers back on top of the sleeping woman. Meg let out another breathy groan- no, he couldn't categorize it at that, it was one expressing what he recognized as pleasure. His face darkened into a scarlet, not knowing how to handle this situation. Sure, he knew guys got them but did girls-?

Deidara let out a shaky breath and tried to forget about it. All went will for a couple of minutes, the Meg let out another delicious sound, and Deidara sat upright instantly, resolving to take a cold shower immediately.

* * *

Meg awoke later that night panting and drenched in sweat, heart thundering as if she had been running a marathon. Her breath was shaking unevenly. She tried to close her eyes and go back to sleep, but the sound of water running filled her ears to the point where she couldn't close her eyes or even begin to relax into a sleep-like trance. 

"Stange," She mumbled, still in the mindset that she was alone in the hotel. It was late at night- or perhaps early in the morning- and she was delusional by sleep, forgetting all that had happened in the past few hours. MEg switched on the light, sparing herself from stumbling blindly in the dark, and blinked groggily. 

"Ugh," She mumbled, heading towards the bathroom with the intention to turn off the water. Once in, steam clouded her vision, and she collided with a very wet, very naked, very  _male_  chest.

Meg, at this point, decided that this was still part of her dream and giggled to herself. Deidara watched in mild amusement as she attempted to hit on him. 

"COme here often?" She said, giving him an over exaggerated wink. 

"Not normally, un," Deidara sighed, picking her up to put her back to bed, knowing that this could- and probably would- end very badly.  HE emptied the bathroom just wearing the small shorts Meg had given him earlier and tossed her on the bed. She giggled once more, and  Deidara felt very urge to jump onto the bed and kiss every laugh out of her but restrained himself. 

"Coming?" she asked, outstretching her arms. Deidara hesitated. 

"Hm?" HE asked. Meg giggled once more, and Deidara found himself drunk on her laughs. 

"Cuddle with me!" She requested. Deidara sighed and crawled into bed with her. Once she was asleep, he could leave, he told himself. He let out a breath he didn't know he was holding, and allowed Meg to nuzzle her nose in the crook of his neck, and play with his hair, gently lulling him to sleep. 


	8. Chapter 8

Itachi sat on Chris's lap to try and calm her, giving the little comfort he could offer. He could feel the shaking of her breath from where he laid, and he felt a twitch of empathy. She wasn't crying, not yet at least. With little to no notice, she abruptly stood and placed Itachi on the couch. 

"Where are you going?" Kisame asked, despite that she probably wouldn't understand him. Christen showed no sign of responding, only leaving him the hint that she was going upstairs. Kisame, who was immediately slightly attached to the girl since she accepted him into her cluster of "Small weirdos" and allowed him to sleep next to her in bed. She had been very thinking about it, actually. She had only let those two accompany her into her room, extending the invitation only to Konan as well, just for her gender. 

When Kisame went to bed with Chris and Itachi, he admittedly was wary of the girl still. She had tried to shun him because of his color, (as he had sadly grown used to over the years, but it was still a slap in the face that he was judged even as a cat) but he had come to terms with it as she thought they were the result of some type of infectious disease they carried, their odd coloring as a result. 

All the Akatsuki had differing opinions of the girls. Pain, he observed, had an ongoing dispute with the taller, curly-haired woman who had first stumbled upon him, naturally liking Chris more out of the two. 

Zetsu had provided no insight on his opinion, but Kisame had a growing suspicion that he could her eccentric and shifting personality amusing and sometimes relatable, often resulting in favor of the girl. 

Konan tried to remain impartial, but he could tell she gravitated towards the smaller, fairer skinned woman who's hair was a similar shade to her own. In fact, most of the Akatsuki had openly admitted their favorite of the two. Deidara and Hidan had a commitment to Meg, and Sasori had claimed that he hates them both- but hated the purple-haired brat less, which Kisame ruled as siding with Chris. 

Itachi had quietly accompanied the girl often, if not for missions, then his own accord, and admitted to avoiding Meg. 

Kakazu and Madara were tricky. 

Kisame couldn't tell what Madara thought if his life depended on it (which one day, that might be so) but "Tobi" claimed he "loved both of his owners more than candy!" And Kakazu...

Well, considering he wasn't on the receiving end of either girl's torment, it was more of a flip-a-coin situation. He wasn't quite sure what to think when the miser took Christen's side. 

"What she did was perfectly just- She was trying to give insight, and Meg flat out insulted her tenant, resulting in possible eviction," He had explained. 

"No fucking way!" Hidan explained. "You can't just kick someone out because you don't like them!" 

"She had more than one reasons for eviction, as stated," Konan said calmly. "I'm not taking sides, but what Meg said and di was disruptive and immature," 

"Sounds like sides to me," Kisame huffed a breath. 

"She did not list those reasons, so we have no reason to rule either way," Zetsu defended. "It could be as simple as forgetting to vacuum," He notably paused. "Can you get evicted for that? I don't think so. Maybe if it was recurring. Why do we even need to vacuum?" Zestu backed out to argue with himself about vacuums, burrowing (or, that's what Kisame assumed, he wasn't allowed near that plant after the time-out box incident) into his plant. ( _Kōjō?_ )

Deidara and Tobi being absent from the scene, it was currently standing two (Zetsu and Hidan) against six (Itachi, Konan, Pain, Kakazu Sasori and himself). 

Leaving the argument, Kisame padded up the stairs after Chirs and the cats, compelled by the strange silence. After she had obliviated her "phone", she was openly playing fast-paced music, which was quite depressing if you listened to the lyrics. (Gotta 'nother mouth to feed, leave it for the babysitter? Mama call the _gravedigger?_ )

Kisame entered the room quietly and observed that the window was open. hopping from object to object, he pulled himself onto the window and saw that Chris had inhabited the roof, and Itachi had followed her and ended up on her lap. 

"Wow, she's really got you whipped, eh, Itachi?" Kisame flashed a toothy grin and stepped out onto the roof they were casually sitting on. Itachi didn't comment. Chri's head slowly turned to her side, silently nodding Kisame, then going back to her book. 

Chris reached out gently to Kisame, as if not to alarm him and scooted him closer to her side so he was nestled agast her let and close enough to pet. 

"You're a good one, Blue," She mumbled, running her thumb behind his newly elevated ears and scratching his head. He reflexively let out a deep purr and realized that he, much like Itachi (which was probably why he clung to her) were starved from human contact, and relaxed into her, practically melting in her hands. She sighed quietly and brought her hand back to turn the page. They sat in comfortable silence for a moment in each other's company. 

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN 'I GOT A TINER DICK THAN BRAIN?' " A loud voice, unmistakably Hidan's erupted, and suddenly their peaceful moment ended. Chirs went to stand, but Itachi fell of he lap in the process, rolling off the roof and hitting the floor loudly and erupting I a heap of smoke. Chris, without hesitation, hopped off the roof after him, landing gracefully and rushing towards the cat she'd probably killed. 

"FUCK-FUCKITY-FUCK-FUCK!" She screamed. From where he was, Kisame couldn't see a thing but assumed something alarming must have happened, as Chris had not raised her voice at all since his week-long stay. 

"Christen, if I may-" Itachi's voice and through the clearing, unmistakably human. 

"HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?" She screeched, and as the dust settled, Kisame could make out two bodies, one unclosed. To his dismay, his partner was the one lacking attire.

"I'm Itachi Uchiha, a member of the organization known as The Akatsuki," He stated calmly. Christen didn't wait for him to finish his explanation. 

"I COULD CARE LESS AT THE MOMENT!" She belted "PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR WHERE I CAN SEE THEM, AND DO NOT MAKE ANY SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!" Christen demanded this all in one breath, and Itachi hesitantly obeyed. 

"You may accompany me inside, only if you swear on your life," She pointed a small box at him. "You will not attempt any harm to me, my friends, my cats, my house, or anything under the position of me. You will not speak if not addressed," Christen commanded, and Kisame felt slightly scared for Itachi at the moment. In the ninja world, they could overpower her easily, but this was the terrain, and she was consequentially familiar with the technology they would only imagine. And from what he had observed from the newspaper lining his degrading litter box, this world could be more dangerous than all of the shinobi wars at once. 

"I am not your friend. The moment I even think you might harm me, you will be severely punished," Christen glowered at him and produced something out of her pocket. "Once inside, clothed, and in a position where I deem safe enough, you will answer all my questions. Do you understand?" Kisame saw the hard killer instant in her eyes, and suddenly, the Chris who had lept off the rooftop to save a kitten was gone and replaced with a threatening woman who demanded things instead of asking nicely. Itachi awkwardly shuffled behind her hurriedly paced long strides, and Kisame left for downstairs to see the results. They took the back entrance, narrowly avoid the rest of the Akatsuki who were still preoccupied with whatever argument they were producing at the moment. 

Christen led him into a small room, which was probably the living space of someone once, but wasn't now and handed him a box of various clothing articles. 

"They are all clean," She said remaining solid eye contact, visibly not trying to waver he gaze downward, and not budging. Kisame watched in amusement as Christen watched him a stone cold gaze- as an animal would observe it's praying- and made sure he didn't try anything funny while getting dressed. Her eyes expertly raked over him, watching his hands the whole time, only hesitating when they dropped downward. Once Itachi was clothed, she led him downstairs and cuffed him a chair, which he (somehow) allowed. She then put the small box next to his neck. 

"Who are you?"

"Itachi Uchiha," He replied calmly. 

"Right," She narrowed her eyes. "Who are you really?"

"Itachi Uchiha," Itachi repeated once more. Christen inhaled angerly. 

"Whatever," She rolled her eyes. "Next question: What are you doing here?" 

"Your roommate bought me in," Itachi met her angry eyes with a calm gaze. "She was under the impression I was a cat," Chris paused. 

"Hypothetically, are the rest of the cats human?" She said, clearly not buying it. 

"Yes," Itachi confessed. 

"Shit," Chris sighed. "You were probably transformed by blunt trauma to the head," She assessed. 

"And I'm not going to be the some to hit the rest of the Akatsuki," She aimed an anger-filled glace at him. 

"If your story is true, then prove it to me," She challenged, snapping the cuffs off him. Itachi looked at Kisame, almost to say "I'm sorry' and swiftly watched him in the back of his head before Kisame had time to grasp what was going on.

In a moment, a tall, blue man stood fully towering over Christen. 

"Hey," He grunted casually. Before he could explain, Christen angled the box at him and produced a jutsu at him, successfully tasering Itachi and Kisame. 

"I'm so sorry," She squeaked. Kisame still stood, being twice the size the tazer intended and was still conscious enough to slap the thing out of her hand.

* * *

**If Chris and Meg were transported into the Naruto-verse instead:**

 

  
"So." 

"So,"

"Are you seeing this?" 

"Yep,"

"I'm not the only one?"

"Nope,"

"We have tails,"

"Uh-huh,"

"And ears,"

"Yeah,"

"And we're cats," 

"Meh," The larger one shrugged. "It could be worse." Thunder cracked above. 

"You had to say that," The smaller once growled as comedically began to rain. "Rule number one in an anime: Expect irony and cliches," The white car growled. The bigger one, of a toasted color, appeared to shrug. 

"Oooooooh Kittens!" A new vice chirped. "Deidara-sempai, can we keep them? Please? Please?" 

"Shut up, un," A deeper voice responded. "They're yours if you can care for them, yeah,"  The blonde man finally agreed to shut his partner up. 

"Shit," Chris winced. 

"Shit indeed,"

~~~~

Back at the base, Tobi quite literally threw the cats on the floor, giving Christen just enough time to scamper away. Sure, she knew she wasn't fast enough to outrun a human (ninja), but she could get into places they couldn't, and that was enough. Christen assumed Meg would follow suit, but instead her idiot friend appeared to be cuddling with the blonde criminal. 

Christen was having none of it and dashed off into the direction of the breeze. 

"What do we have here?" A deep voice cucked. Christen looked up to see a tall, blue man in front of the window where she had planned to escape. 

"You're kinda cute," He said, lifting Chris (too dumbstruck to respond) up in one hand- she was small enough to fit in his palm and placing him on the bed. 

"Itachi will love this," Kisame told her. "He's been kinda lonely ever since he joined," Chris meowed in response, purposely not putting any meaning into it because, quite frankly, she felt trapped. Deidara she would outsmart and outrun. She wasn't sure she could do the same to two of the Akatsuki's best members (in her humble opinion). The door opened once more, and the ravenette walked in. 

"Kisame," Itachi said calmly. "What are you doing in my room?" Ah, so this was his room. Chris wondered why it was so... organized and clean- for Kisame, it didn't quite click. She rather liked the place- the walls were lined with books and succulents, and it was simple and minimalistic. 

"I got you at the cat," She hand, handing the cat he 'got' for his partner. Itachi raised an eyebrow but took Christen nonetheless. 

"What's her name?" He asked. Kisame shrugged, not really thinking that far ahead. 

"Your call, buddy," He said and walked out of the room, hands casually in his pockets. Once outside, Itachi sat Chris by the window so she could leave as she intended, but was surprised when the cat didn't go. 

"You can leave," He told her, gesturing to the window. Christen blinked in response. Yes, she could leave, but this was too good to pass up. When she walked back over to Itachi, he sighed and laid down, giving her the opening to lay on top of him. He glanced at her, slightly surprised, but relaxed under her, as if not wanting to scare the small white cat off. She couldn't have been more than a pound.

"Chotto," He finally said. "Little," Christen assumed that was what she was now named. 

"Slomannyy," She replied in Russian. "Broken," They sat in silence for a bit, Christen rising and falling with Itachi's break, until she dozed off- leaving Itachi one option- staying there until she woke up, eventually falling asleep as well, the first night in what seemed forever.

  **To be continued...(maybe?) I'm not sure if anyone will read or like this spinoff.**


	9. Chapter 9

"What did you do to him?" Kisame growled, knocking the tazerout of her hand. Chris gripped the countertop and hoisted her self up, kicking Kisame in the ribs in the process. He caught her leg, sending panic through her body. Chirs, acting on instinct, not logic, twisted herself sideways, breaking her ankle in the process, slithered out of his grasp, appearing much smaller than they had thought she was. Behind the baggy clothes, she was a slim, but strangely muscular build. And thankfully had down boy-shorts underneath her clothes that morning.

Kisame caught on quickly and lept at her. Chris slid back on the counter, crashing throw the dining room window and rolling out onto the long, unmowed grass of her backyard and slithered behind and under the porch, under the house. She had hidden their many times before when she was a child, and as she grew bigger, the hold hid as well, used to her wiggling in and out. She used to hide in there when her parents were fighting and knew that no adult could reach under their unless they were Chris size, which Kisame wasn't. 

"Shit, she has no chakra!" Kisame announced, patrolling around the back yard (15 acres, it would take him a while). Chris huddled agast her hidey-hole, stocked with food and emergency kits and crawled deeper. 

She let out a sigh of relief, but from miles away, Kisame heard it. 

Do you know what more terrifying than watching your first horror movie at age four?

A shark man is grinning at you, sticking his face through the hold. Chris slapped him with a stick so hard that the 'bat' broke. 

"Ouch!" He rubbed his face, detracting from the hole, leaving Chris long enough to shove a rock through the opening and burrow deeper. 

"You can't hide in there forever, you know," Kisame chuckled. 

"I can for at least two weeks!" Chris responded, binging her throbbing ankle with ace-bandages. 

"Jesus, kid!" Kisame laughed. "How old are you anyway? Sixteen?"

"Twenty," Then there was a pause. 

"Wow, you're tiny," Kisame said bluntly. 

"And you're huge," Chris rolled her eyes.

"That's what she said!" Kisame barked a laugh. "Look, I just need to know, what was that thing you used on Itachi?"

"A taser. It just stunned him, he'll wake up in a bit," She paused. "He shouldn't be unconscious, just immobilized, actually," 

"Then why..?" Chris shrugged in response. 

"He's probably just taking a nap,"

"Dammit!" Kisame cussed but didn't move. "...You gonna come out?"

"That depends, are you going to fight me?"

"..." Kisame didn't say anything, and neither did Chris. 

"Give it a couple of minutes," He decided.

"There's ice cream in the freezer," Chris said helpfully. 

"On it,"

* * *

Meg woke up with a warm lump pressed against her. Usuallyshe would think nothing of it, but then again, nothing in her life had been normal so far. 

"Hnngh," She let out a small groan as she wiggled agast and out of the covers. 

"Uggggggth," The pillow responded. Meg's head snapped back so fast to the point where she toppled over onto the couch holding her suitcase- then the previous night's memories came flashing back.

"Fuck!" She screamed, bringing her hand down on the resting man's face.

"What, are you snared un?" Deidara opened one eye, cocking an eyebrow. 

"You're shirtless!" She explained.

"And you're wearing a bra," Deidara stated. Meg rolled out of bed and snatched her phone. "Eight missed calls from Chris-" She mumbled. 

"Weird. You think her cats turned into humans or something, un?" Deidara snacked. Meg snorted. 

"YEar right. I only had two to take care of and y'alltoo big or a hassle fo- TOBI!" She came to a sudden realization. Deidara's tanned complexion noticeably paled. 

"Leader's gonna have my ass, un," He groaned. 

"I call dibs on it first- WAIT," Meg yelled abruptly. "NOT LIKE THAT!" She stumbled over the carpet. "Not that I would mind- WAIT," Deidara found himself amused at her antics. 

"You can have my ass any-" A wad of the shirt was thrown at him. "HEY!"

She tugged off her shirt revealing a black bra against her coffee skin, which his eyes raked over. 

"Eyes up here," Meg snapped, pulling on a sponsored shit and a pair of jean shorts. 

"Sorry, un," Deidara said sheepishly, embarked that he was caught. She pulled on some knock-off vans from Khols and ruffled her hair. 

"Aren't you gonna brush it?" Deidara asked. Meg snorted, tossing the short tightly bound curls around, leaving his question unanswered. 

"Here," She said instead, tossing him a baggy shirt meant for sleepwear because it was a mens(but it was such a nice color, and you can never have too many band tees). 

"Annnnnnnnnd," She dug through a mess of clothes in her duffle bag. "Here," She tossed Deidara some sweatpants that would fit his slim feminine waste and a pair of worn out converse. 

"These don't fit, un," He said, referring to the shoes, (women's size seven and a half). 

"Well, I don't have any others," Meg said. "Go barefoot," She shrugged. 

"What about those, yeah?" He pointed to the candles placed on the hotel windows. 

"My slides?" She chuckled, lifting them. 

"Yeah. They look kinda like my normal shoes, un," Deidara commented. Meg tossed them at his head at the same time. He caught one, but the other one flew above his head.

"Thanks," He said sarcastically.

"You're welcome," She snapped, picking up the vibrating phone. 

"Chri-"

"COME OVER. NOW,"

"Bu-"

"THIS IS IMPORTANT!"

"HEY! PUT THAT DOWN! HIDAN! I'M TAKING YOU YOU!"

"Hida-?"

"Sorry. Just, I'm sorry, and get your ass over here- HEY! HEY! THAT'S BREAKABLE!" The line went dead.

Meg shoved the rest of her stuff into the bag and zipped it up, licking they keys. 

"Let's get some breakfast and go," She said, closing the door behind her to make Deidara open it again. 

"Rude," He grumbled. 

"You can kiss my ass," She responded flippantly. 

* * *

Tobi, it turned out, was the only one who had not gotten the human memo. 

"Two Dorito-Tacos, a medium coke, and some nachos," Meg told the bored cashier at Tacobell and handed them a twenty. "Keep the change, so long as it's fast,"

* * *

"I don't get it, why is he rude to his comrades?" Konan pointed at the screen.

"Employees," Chris corrected, bored looking up at The Office.

"Then why is he so rude to his 'employees,' if he is the leader?" Pein criticized.

"Comedy?" Chris offered. 

"And why is the woman at the desk so polite when she is harassed?" Kisame scoffed as she took another insult. 

"Look, I don't-"

"He's dumb," Hidan pointed to the man in the glasses. "Whight?"

"Dwight," Kisame corrected. "And, actually, he is kinda like-"

"Don't fucking say it, shark!"

"Tobi. He meant Tobi," Christen intervened, delicately taking the remote out of Hidan's death grip.

"He fucking better," Hidan mumbled. 

"How come-?" Christen turned up the volume before another question was asked. Pein passed. 

"How do you know about Tobi?" He asked. Christen rolled her eyes. 

"You've mentioned he and Deidara about a hundred times. I'm not daft," Christen smoothly lied. Pein narrowed his eyes but said nothing further. 

Hey when is Itachi gonna wake up?" Hidan kicked his unconscious body. 

"Watch it," Kisame growled, removing Itachi from the chair and onto the couch in the other room. 

"Wow, he sure is fucking protective or his partner. If only some-" Kakazu and Sasori scoffed in unison. 

"Stuff it," Kakazu placed a hand over Hidan's mouth, which then was licked. 

"Don't be disgusting," He growled. 

"Angry old men. So. Fucking. Sexy," Hidan deadpanned. 

"One would assume you think such, based on your previous behavior," Pein drawled. 

"YOU WANNA FUCKING GO-"

"Can you say one sentence without cussing?" Chris rolled her yes. 

"Yes I can," Hidan laced his words carefully. "FUCK YES!" He fist pumped. "WAIT- shit,"

"Nice," Kisame snorted. 

"What did I say about provoking Hidan?" Chris raised an eyebrow and gestured towards one of her broken vases.

"Not to do it." The Akatsuki chorused. Hidan smirked. 

"That's fucking right, bitches," He said proudly. Kisame opened his mouth and Sasori rolled his eyes. They were some awkward shuffles, and a caught that sounded strangely like the word "bullshit."

"No." Chris looked at them, (Kisame and Sasori specifically). In all honesty, she didn't really care whether they provoked his or whatnot, she just didn't want anything else to be broken in his destructive fits of violence.

Kisame sighed. "Can't we watch something else?" 

Chris shrugged and changed it to the next channel- which happened to be news. It seemed sobering to the Akatsuki. 

"And this... is _your_ leader,"

"Yup,"

"He's... wow,"

"Yup,"

"I'm sorry,"

"Yup,"

Everyone was silent for a moment. 

"He's a fucking douche!" Hidan exclaimed.

"Yup," Chris sighed.

The dorm burst open. 

"YOU WON'T BELIEVE- oh," Meg observed the lounging Akatsuki. 

"Where's Uchiha, un?" Deidara stepped in. 

"Unconcious," Christen waved the taser. 

"YOU TASERED ITACHI?" Meg freaked out.

"Meh," Chris shrugged, nursing her foot. 

"Hey, why are you watching the news?" Meg gestured to the TV. 

"They were bored with the office," She turned the page. 

"THEY WERE BORED WITH THE OFFICE??"  

"Stop yelling," Chris threw a pillow at Meg. 

"So... We good?" Meg asked. 

"Hn," Chris hummed, biting her tongue. Meg tackled her with a hug. 

"Why do you smell like sewage and Mexican food?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Q: lolz I love this so much  
>  what do you think would happen if on the news they were watching there was a report of a huge terrorist attack? like what would be their reactions?


	10. Chapter 10

"Good morning," Someone purred in Itachi's ear. He blinked wearily and faced them, rolling over. She was warm and inviting, and the beg was silk and comfy agast his body. Something about her seemed familiar. She leaned forward and brushed a strand of long black hair out of his face. No matter how hard he stared, he couldn't make out her face. He was seeing it, but not. If asked, he would describe it as seeing the face and instantly forgetting. 

No features were distinct, which was concerning, yet he had a strange sense of familiarity. 

"Good morning," He replied politely, opting to sit up and meet the woman. Her hair, a defining feature which he could focus on shifted color as she moved, which was odd, yet not. Black to golden, a drastic change- yet at the time, Itachi couldn't put that together, much less the names of the colors. 

It wasn't that he was stupid nor that he wasn't thinking straigt, he just- was tired. Couldn't focus. Itachi couldn't make out the specifics, and dispite going blind, in the darkest time of night he felt he could see better.

Right now he couldn't make out a thing. 

She was smaller than him, but he didn't know how much. She could be the size of his fist or only a few centimeters shorter than him. Nothing made sense. 

"I've been waiting for you," She admitted and twisted the hem of her nightgown. It looked soft, yet Itachi could not make out the fabric. 

"Who are you?" He finally asked. The woman laughed hollowly, and opened her mouth to respond, then faded from sight. 

* * *

"Good morning," Someone said, handing a cup of water, which he wasn't ready to hold. It slipped through his fingers as he failed to register the weight of the glass, and crashed beneath his legs. 

"Oops," She said, and Itachi caught a glimpse. 

"...Christen?" He asked looking up to meet her gaze on the table. She sipped her water. 

"Mm," She responded. They sat in silence. "He was worried about you, you know," Chris finally spoke. 

"Who?" Itachi asked, although he already knows who 'he' was. 

"Kisame. Broke my ankle, even," She lifted her foot, showcasing the bandaged leg. 

"LIAR!" A deep voice bellowed from behind the door. Chris rolled her eyes and didn't flinch, although Itachi did.

"YOU broke YOUR ankle!" Kisame stepped under the door. 

"Those small frames still a problem for ya, big guy?" Chris tossed him a bottled water that he caught. Kisame rubbed his forehead in remembrance of the previous 'hide and seek' they had 'played.'

"Itachi!" Kisame grinned, barreling past Cris and knocking his partner off the chair. 

"Watch it." Chris snapped, expertly maneuvering out of his way. Itachi observed as she scooted to the side, almost used to people barreling past her. Then again, she did live with Meg. Chris warped into a Cris-cross sitting position and proceeded to read on the table. 

"Itachi's up, you don't have to-" 

"I am aware," Chris stated, eyes flicking over the page. Itachi stood up but wavered a bit. Kisame shrugged and paraded out the door in three-dollar Walmart sweatpants.

"What is he wearing?" Itachi questioned, noticing how only some members had acquired clothing. 

"Kisame?" Chris verified, not looking up from his book. "Mat- Someone's old sweatpants," 

"Hm," He made a sound. 

"And what am I wearing?" 

"My sweatpants," Itachi blinked in surprise. 

"These are too big,"

"They didn't fit me," They sat there stiffly, not talking to each other. Itachi enjoyed the silence, but there was one overbearing question.

"What jutsu did you use on me?" Itachi finally asked. 

"I don't have chakra." That was not an answer. Chris finally looked up, not meeting his eyes.

"Ca-"

"Have a book," She interrupted. "Jeez, never thought you as the chatty type," She mumbled, reaching over the table with balance to grab a stash of books she had collected over time and handing him the thickest one. 

"Here," she gently handed him the book. Itachi skimmed over the title and opened the book, flipping through the pages. 

They sat in comfortable silence before Chris slammed the book cover.

"I know you're not really reading," She announced. 

"Correct," Itachi admitted. Chris got up from her seat and limped up the stairs. Itachi got up, fell over, then got up again. 

"Muscle Spasms," Chris dismissed over her shoulder, near the top of the stairs. She seemed annoyed that it took her so long to het up, but then again, she really shouldn't be walking.

Although she had claimed she had sprained her ankle, Itachi could tell it was worse than that. 

"Where are you going?" Itachi asked finally. 

"To my room, to take a nap," Chris said up the stairs. "You're welcome to come, so long as you don't touch anything," She said, although Itachi had assumed such. From his time here, he had noticed that Christen didn't like being touched, people touching things that were her's, and most importantly, she had severe trust issues. Even though they had sat about a yard apart, he could tell he was pushing it.

"I don't want to intrude," She said politely. Although he did- Itachi didn't know what was going on in the backward, and from the screams and constant pounding, he wasn't sure he wanted to. 

"They don't," Came her flat reply. She wasn't necessarily cold in response, just giving him a message 'I don't want you here if you don't want to be here.' Itachi hesitated but continued to follow her as she slipped into the plain covers of her bed. Itachi sat on the edge of it silently, observing the things he never got a chance to see like a cat. 

"There's me," he silently realized, analyzing the poster of him surrounded by crows, left hand tucked into his cloak.

" 'Was a big fan," Christen sighed. "Though you were kinda like me,"

"In a sense, you are," Itachi admitted sadly. Before he and his brother had met for the last time, Itachi was often in the same position of Chris- except, she was more trusting, allowing herself to sleep in the presence of someone else. He would comment on Meg, but his partner and her 'roommate' were very alike, bringing him and Chris out of their dense shells. She looked over to him, locking eyes.

He stared into them- they were a blueish-green, the exact color of the ocean, but her pupils flicked back and forth, not getting him the full effect. Itachi could spot dots of brown here and there, and the waves and circles that highlighted her eyes. Itachi wished he could see what she saw at the moment. 

Someone once told him he had pretty eyes. He couldn't remember who it was, but they said that they

"-think you spilled ink in your eye," Chris said amused, breaking the eye contact. 

"Hm?" Itachi asked. 

"Nevermind," Chris shrugged, pulling the sheets over her shoulders and rolling over. 

"Turn off the lights," She ordered. Itachi smiled softly and complied, sitting down again only to get back up to close the curtains as well.

"You know about us," He said softly. 

"I'll explain in the morn'..." Chris's voice was muffled by the pillow. 

"It's 11:30," Itachi stated. 

"Next morning then,"

* * *

"Deidara," Meg anxiously. "Where's Tobi?" Her mind was racing, worried for herself, her friends, the universe- holy crap. What if Tobi had already come out as Madara/Obito? Where did this take place? She knows it was after Deidara and Itachi died, but how far in the series were they? 

Her hands twisted anxiously as she fumbled with her ring absentmindedly. 

"Uh, I don't know, un," Deidara shrugged it off, narrowing his eyes in suspicion. "Why do you wanna know, yeah?" 

"What?" Meg's eyes snapped open. "Be-because," She said dropping her hand to her waist. 

"Because," Deidara repeated dryly. 

"Yeah," She gained more confidence as she spoke. "Because!" Meg smiled. 

"He's in the time-out closet," Deidara gestured to the room where his leader had previously inhabited. 

"What? Why?" Meg made a face, baring her teeth unattractively. "I thought Tobi was a-"

"DON'T SAY IT." Deidara snapped, putting the back of his hand over her mouth. (He had learned the hard way not to put the front of it, that lead to some very awkward situations). Meg bit down on it, drawing blood, prompting him to let go. 

"A GOOD BOY!"  Meg teased. "TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!" She announced. Happy meows came from behind the closet, and Deidara tackled her playfully, poking her stomach. 

"Stop it!" Meg remanded, yanking down her shirt to cover the exposed flesh that he was tickling. 

"Why, un?" He smirked, towering on top of her. 

"LET ME GO!" She screeched, laughing. 

"Why? Do you not like it, yeah?" Deidara smirked. Oh, how Meg wished she could slap that expression right off of him. 

"What if I say I don't?' She challenged. 

"Then I guess we'll just continue until you change your mind, un," Deidra grinned, reaching closer to tickle her, but Meg was faster and rolled over, pinning him down to the ground instead.

"Oh, is that so?" She responded slyly. Deidara returned the same foxlike grin. 

"I'm all yours," He spread out his arms as if welcoming her, but Meg leaped at the opportunity and began to tickle him as well. 

* * *

**lolz I love this so much  
what do you think would happen if on the news they were watching there was a report of a huge terrorist attack? like what would be their reactions?**

**A:**

"No," Konan whispered sadly as a picture of the dead child were shown on the screen. 

_"Dozens wiped out by the attack on public schools..."_ The news reporter drowned on, narrating the scene.

"These are children," Pein stated angerly, watching as the body count grew on the screen. "And they killed them. For what purpose?" 

"None at all," Chris said sadly. "There is just some fucked up people in the world,"

_President Trump insisted on the solution being to arm teachers with guns..."_

"This fucker is saying that the solution to death is more death?" Hidan exclaimed angerly. Kakazu looked at him strangely, about to say something. "...And they're not even doing it properly! They just want to kill as many people they can in the shortest amount of time!" He continued. 

"What a waste," Zetsu agreed.

The Akatsuki sat in silence, horrified that people were doing this for seemingly no reason at all.

"Why...?" Kisame looked at the children's smiling faces, then watched them morph into the coffins. 

"You kill people," Christen pointed out lamely, stunned by their appalled expressions. 

"With and for a purpose," Pein looked at her. "Yet never have we killed aimlessly. Zetsu for nurturance, Hidan for religion- it's all for a reason," He explained. 

         **Not a terrorist attack exactly, but something similar. Itachi, Tobi and Deidara were (purposely) absent in this original scene. Anyways, here's an actual omake that has nothing to do with the plot. I didn't add it as it didn't seem to flow. Anyways, thanks for commenting love and support! As always, make sure to leave your questions and suggestions down in the comments below! Thanks!**


	12. Chapter 12

All was well in the Meg and Chris household.

The Akatsuki were brewing trouble as a criminal organation were expected, still under the impression that they were the largest organized crime gang in the world. They had nothing to be afraid of! Now, the Americanized Mafia is dangerous, but nowhere near as fatal the treat to come. 

While jutsu is dangerous, and guns equality as so, the power to combine such is presumed to be more disastrous than imaginable. But the Akatsuki had much too noble goals for such, and were the only ones who had stumbled upon such realm of charka-less chaos and magic called science. 

But were they really the first ones to enter the world of monstrosity we call home?

Or were they the first to claim such?

* * *

"Absolutely not," Meg snorted. 

"What? All I'm saying is-" Deidara chuckled. 

"He would never-" Meg shook her head laughing, curls tosing this way and that. 

"But maybe-"

"Fifteen bucks says no," Meg held out her hand. 

"Twenty says absolutely, un" Deidara shook her hand. 

"You don't even have money!" Meg giggled. 

"I'll get it, yeah," Deidara assured her.

"How?" She smiled crookedly.

"Stealing," Deidara said just as cockily. 

Two hours later, the plan was set in place and executed. As Meg and Deidara had observed, it was hard to pull off a rank on something when it was attached to the person at all time. 

Meg had eventually settled on 'accidentally' drenching Hidan in water, and modifying his clothes while he dried off. 

"Do you think he'll notice?" Meg snickered as Hidan walked around looking for his partner. 

"No way, un!" Deidra laughed. 

"He's as dumb as a rock!" Meg exclaimed. Hidan was parading around the house with a hold in his pants shaped like a dick, showcasing his ass as he refused to put on underwear.

"His butt is totally handing out, un!" Deidara laughed behind where they were hiding.

"Not that I mind," Meg smiled. "He's got a nice ass," she admitted. 

"What? No way, un!" Deidara's face flushed.

"Yes, way!" Meg's tongue flashed out playfully. "It's the best butt I've ever seen!" 

"Take a look in the mirror, yeah," Deidara flashed her a cheeky grin. Meg slapped him playfully. 

"If everyone is looking, then why do I need too?"

"I'd be happy to-"

"Shh! Shh! Here he comes!" Meg ducked behind the furniture. 

"Kakazu!" Hidan said, whipping his head around. "I've been looking-"

"Not interested," Kakazu said, eyes fixated on the newspaper. 

"The fuck do-"

"Sorry, but I'm pretty straight," Kakazu told him. Hidan flushed. 

"Yeah, and so am I! Why the fuck do-?" Kakazu shined. 

"Hidan, I am much older than you. I'm sure if-" 

"What the fuck!" Hidan exclaimed.  "I just wanted to see if you wanted to spar, ya old fuck!"

"I'm not interested in that kind.. of 'spar,' " Kakazu eyed his butt, then quickly looked away. 

"What-" Hidan looked at his pants. "FUCK!"

* * *

Chris was startled when she rolled off the bed. She was even more startled when she didn't fall entirely. 

"Careful," A deep yet sleepy voice warned her, catching her at the waist, and pulling her back off the bed.

"Thanks," She sighed, rolling over to face Itachi who's face was flushed and tired. 

"You..." Chris yawned with a smile. "You have sleep marks on your face!" She giggled, running her fingers tips across the pillow lines that had imprinted on his face. 

Itachi didn't say anything but gently placed his hand on hers. 

"Oh?" He removed her hands. 

"Yeah," She said sleepily, the covered her face with the fluffy comforter, purple hair disappearing into dark sheets.

"Chris," He said, pulling the cover back off her. 

"What?" She pouted tiredly, blinking at the sudden light. 

"Meg and Deidara are dying," Itachi told casually. 

"No u," She rolled back over.

"Your call," He said, shrugging and getting up, letting Chris going back to sleep. 

There was another thud from the downstairs, making Chris roll off once more, but this time Itachi wasn't there to catch her. She hit the floor with a bang and groaned. 

"Goddammit," She groaned, peeling herself off the floor. Christen blinked, squinted and scrunched her nose. 

"MEGGGGGGGGGG!" She screeched. 

"WHAAAAAAAT?" A voice yelled from downstairs. 

"ARE YOU DEAD?" 

"NOT FUCKING YET!" Came Hidan's voice.

"MAKE SURE TO CLEAN UP THE BLOOD!"

"CHRISSSSSSSSS!" 

"WHAAAAAAAT?" 

"I'M DYING!"

"NOT YET!"

"PUT DOWN THE VASE!" Kisame suddenly screamed. Chris's head shot up, and she skidded down the stairs in a hurry. 

"WHAT VA- Kisame, dearest, not sure if you know this, but what is in Hidan's hands is a book," Chris glowered. 

"Well, we needed you to get down here somehow," Sasori managed to say, while restraining a hyperactive blonde and an equally troublesome brunette. 

"Gee, if only someone could have ASKED for me to come down here," Chris spat.

"We would've, but it appears that you have no social skills, nor dignity and wouldn't have responded," Sasori sassed. 

"While I'm lacking in that department, at least I've acquired human decency,"

"If decency's what you want to call it, by all means, go for it.,"

"Opposed to what?"

"Personally, I'd call it 'a will to live',"

"It's better than calling it 'true art',"

"Are you saying I live only for my art?" 

"If not for that, then I'd hate to see what else you would have inhabited,"

"I do not 'inhabit' my puppets,"

"Sure you don't. Not like you hide in them for protection and everything, changing them once you grow out of them to find one more suitable,"

"Are you calling me a hermit crab?"

"Well you are a hermit," Chris paused. "And pretty 'crabby,'" 

"Shut up," Sasori groaned, finally releasing the two from his grasp. "I am not able to handle this much stupidity at once,"

"Y'now, I thought the same thing about you," Chris remarked. 

"I'm leaving now," Sasori announced. 

"Accepting defeat already?"

"The only thing I'm willing to accept from you is your resignation letter to me, from this argument,"

"That makes no sense,"

"Well, neither do you,"

"I-"

"SWEET JASHIN!" Meg yelled. "STOP IT!"

"I'll stop when he stops,"

"Stop telling the truth?"

"Careful there, Pinocchio,"

* * *

And although the Akatsuki was powerful, in perspective, you'd think twice, when being armed with weapons enough to destroy humanity all together if need be. Even the biggest man falls short to a taser.

* * *

                The laboratory is white. Clean white. Bleach white, not a speck in sight, like science, requires exact measures. Even if a few unwanted chemicals intercepted such experimentation, it could bean the difference between life, death, failure, success, or perhaps mass explosion. But that's why you have multiple bases. 

The countertops, waxed with a nontoxic sheen shown when the artificial light was turned on. No sunlight would be entered, as it is a natural source, therefore unpredictable. Nothing is said lab was natural- that was the point of science. Or at least, that's what they believed. 

Glass cases, laminated papers   
Glass cases, laminated documents, test tubes sealed in multiple storage containers. The lab was clean, always clean. 

-was clean.

Ah yes, the blood. The drops of blood on the tables. ...Splatters? ...Spills? Spills. The blood spoiled all white in sight, creating pools of red, sticky liquid that contaminated everything in view. Blood oozed on the marble, flew over the wax and tarnished the once spotless laboratory. There was blood, yes, but no flesh. 

Almost as if someone had squeezed a human like a grape, until it squirted its juice all over the place. But there was no way to tell- blood was on the floor, table and walls, no source nor ending. It dripped into the presence of clean bowls and tubes, infected the sterile tools used, and flooded the once-empty cabinets. There were only three people capable of such horrendous actions, as all this blood in such quality could not come from one single animal if an animal (it was human, most likely, due to the consistency) or one person. Multiple people were the cause of such. 

However, very few real people would do so. Perhaps even very few monsters would do such. 

Only three. 

One, thankfully, dead. 

The other a kitten. 

And the other one dead as well. 

 

Only one of the two deaths was confirmed at the moment. And the kitten was immobile in the closet. 

No real person would do such, no, humanity wasn' possible for this- but something in the lab gave a hint as to the creature, human, monstrosity, was not just one person, not just a person, nor should be accountable as a person, generally. 

So the Akatsuki and company would enjoy the peace and quiet until the lab's inhabitants were relocated. 

And wouldn't you know it, on the same day, no less, Meg and Chris were to get new neighbors. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>         MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHaaaaa....*ahem* Next time on the Akatsukitties Meg, Chris, and your favorite anime villains will not only answer all of your most pressing questions, (No, Tobi has still not been released from the time-out closet) in addition to a new chapter. If you like me writing this, make sure to let me know by giving it that big fat heart/kudos, it really helps (wow I sound like a real youtuber). Lol, all jokes aside, I look forward to seeing your questions and forcing my favorite people to read, respond and react!


	13. Chapter 13

Chris was upset, to say the least.

She was never one for meeting new people, hence the profound awkwardness that arose when the Akatsuki transformed. In fact, they had to reel it out of her for her to sign the lease, as she had decided that keeping this many people in the house meant she needed more money. And she already worked at a library, shelving books and reading to children, and despite her spiteful attitude towards her boss, she adored her job above no else and did not want to get another one. But, being a college student, she was otherwise broke. The house, once her parents, was paid off and she was left with 96 acres of land and a couple of empty homes.

Eventually, she had to rent one out.

She had dreaded this day for a long time and hated that it was coming to this.

The new neighbors were ‘crepes’ as Meg had put it, and Chris was mortified at the thought.

What if they were hoarders? Ex-convicts? In a gang? Pedophiles?

Per usual, her anxiety was not being helpful. But in what scenario was it?

She peeked through the window, seeing two men carries large boxes into the house. Their houses were a reasonable distance away, many in acres between them, but she could make out two figures, hunched over suspiciously. But maybe it was their posture. She hoped it was their posture.

“What are you doing?” Itachi said, peering over her shoulder.

“Shhhhh,” Chris said quietly.

“I doubt they can hear us,” Itachi confronted her.

“Hey, Did you hear about the lab in Tennessee?” Meg called to Chris.

“The one that exploded?” Chris verified.

“Yes. It turns out the ‘red paint’ was actual human blood,” Meg told her. Chris looked over to her, visibly upset.

“Gross,” She stuck out her tongue. “Who’s was it?”

Meg shrugged. “They estimated there was at least three people’s worth of blood there, so not just one person,” Chris sighed.

“Why did you have to tell me this now?”

“Because our neighbors are also from Tennessee,” Chris paled.

“No,” She whispered.

“Maybe we can ask them-” Meg started jovially.

“-or not,” Chris finished. “Nopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenope…”

"What's the matter?" Sasori strolled into the room, glancing idly at Chris clutching a baseball bat and peeking through the window. 

"Chris thinks our new neighbors are psychopaths," Meg told him. 

Sasori snorted. "I'd be more concerned about us, than them," He gestured to Zetsu, who was arranging all the meat that was in the fridge into a human-like figure. 

"Yeah, well," Meg laughed. "She knows you, not them,"

"Shut up!" She hissed. 

"There all the way over there- there's no way they can hear us," Kisame laughed from the living room chair. 

"Tell that to her paranoia," Sasori poked her side. Chris hissed at him like a feral cat. 

"Calm down, un," Deidara scoffed. 

"Calm down, un," Chris mimicked in a low voice, flipping her hair for dramatics.

"I do not sound like that, yeah!" Deidara scowled. 

"Yes, you do," Sasori, Kisame, and Itachi choirsed. 

"Un," Sasori added for good mesure after. 

"Anyway, we don't know them, I don't want to know them, and I don't want them to know me," Chris explained. "But I have to know them, they have to know me, and I hate that," 

"But, why?" Deidara said, purposely not saying speaking his trademark tick. 

"Paperwork," 

"Why don't you just have one of us talk to them for you?" Itachi offered. 

"They'd recognize you. Plus, They only think there's two of us here,"

"Hi, I'm Bob Jones, the boyfriend of the landlord. She's sick right now, so they sent me in her place," Sasori mimed, waving an unenthusiastic hand. Itachi silently scoffed,d but Chris could feel it in his chest pressed up to him she tugged gently and he released her, still mingling close. 

"No way," Chris shook her head. 

"Yeah, she'd never date a guy named 'Bob Jones,'" Meg sarcastically explained. 

"It's not just that," Chris rolled her eyes. 

 _"Just,"_ Deidara mother to Meg, who silently laughed. 

"No offense, but you're all fairly recognizable," Chris told them. Kisame huffed. 

"What are you talking about?" Meg shrugged comically. "We should send Zetsu and Kisame!"

"Rude," Kisame said. 

"I don't trust Hidan, Konan would have to pretend to be lesbian-"

"I'd fucking pay to see that," Hidan interjected. 

"Deidara still has yet to wear  _normal_  clothes, Itachi is much too popular and recognizable, and even if he took out all of his piercings, Pein has yet to say oner two words to anyone but Konan," The bluette shrugged dismissively. 

"Meg didn't make a good first impression,"

"What about everyone else?" Itachi asked, slowly removing Chris from the window, gently guiding her away. 

"Either too unreliable or very... distinct," She said. "Still, not in a bad way, no offense to anyone," She said, hugging Kisame from the back of the chair. 

"Unless you're a fucking puppet, then all offense intended," Chris whispered into the man's ear. Kisame barked a laugh. 

"I heard that," Sasori said unamusedly.

"How careless of me," Chris said dryly. 

"Just like everything else you do," Sasori spat. 

"Speak up, Hermit Crab," Chris sneered. The neighbors dropped a couple boxed outside with a thud, which caused Chris to jump slightly. 

"Why was that so loud?" Itachi oped the blinds fully. "They are well over a dozen miles away," 

"What did they drop?" Chris looked out the window.

"Corpses," Meg laughed. 

 _"Really?"_ White Zetsu asked eagerly.  **"No, of course not,"** Black Zetsu snapped.  _"Aw, man,"_

"You know what, we're all too focused on this," Meg announced. "Let's go do something,"

"Like what?" Kisame asked, laughing at Chris's erratic behavior as she fought Itachi, trying to get the blinds back up. 

"I don't know," She shrugged. 

"Well, it was  _your_ idea," Sasori snarked. 

"Save it, Hermit Crab," Meg dismissed him. 

"Hey, that's my degrading nickname!" Chris argued. 

"Puppet-man?"

"Too basic,"

"Stiff-joints,"

"Boring,"

"Pinnochio?"

"Already used that one?"

"Dumbass," Meg offered. 

"Meh," Chris looked at Sasori, the back at Meg and made a noise of agreement. 

"Excuse me?" He snapped. 

"If the shoe fits, wear it," Chris challenged, cocking an eyebrow. Itachi smirked at her behavior.

"I'm indoors," Sasori stated dryly. 

"...And we're back to picking on Sasori," Itachi sighed amusedly. 

"Ginger-Pale," Chris spat.

"Fake purple-headed moron," Sasori countered. 

"What, did you think this was real?" She gestured to her hair, which had now faded to lavender. "Wouldn't put it past you," 

"At least-" Before Sasori finished and Chris could retort, Itachi lifted up all 5'2 of her and carried her over his shoulder into another room, expertly ignoring the streams of insults coming from both Sasori and Chris.

"YOU LOOK LIKE A WALKING R/ROASTME!"

"YOU ARE HE APPIDIMY OF DISAPPOINTMENT!"

"YOU SCREW YOU PUPPETS IN YOU FREE TIME!"

"WELL SOMEONE HAS TO TIGHTEN THEIR JOINTS!"

* * *

"Calm down," Itachi instructed the raging Chris. 

"But what if-?" She said pacing back and forth.

"Deep breaths," he said, seating her down.

"Maybe they-?" She tried to stand back up, but Itachi had a firm grip. 

"In," He instructed her. Chris took a deep breath. 

"And out," She exhaled and sat still for a moment. 

"This is dumb," Chris gently moved his arm off her chest.

"It's saved lives," Although her interest slightly rose, it quickly dove back down. 

"It's still dumb," She let out an annoyed huff.

"Chris, why are you so worked up? It seems more than social anxiety," Itachi finally asked her, moving her hair out of her face so he could read her expression. Pale brows knitted together in worry.

"What if they are the murderers?" She said, then paused, letting out a laugh.

"That seems highly unlikely," Itachi comforted her, giving her hand that was still connected to his, a light squeeze. Chris recuperated it, then dropped his hand entirely and sat on hers, looking out the window, hiding her flushed face.

"It's more likely than I would have liked," She sighed, looking out at the ridiculous stray hats that the two figured were sporting. Itachi gently brought her attention back to him. 

"It'll be alright. If your justice system is as hard on murderers as you explained to Hidan, they are already gone," He soothed her, trying to get her to see the logic. 

"They went _this_ long without getting caught!" Chris all but wailed. 

"Chris-" Itachi placed a gentle hand on her arm, but she shook it off. 

"What if you're not the only ones?" She said casually, looking him dead in the eyes with more focus than he had ever seen, telling him that she had thought about this for a while.

"What do you mean?" He said, more as if to prompt her than for her to explain. 

"Like, not the only people who are here from- from your world," She gestured downstairs, where it was illogically quiet with a house full of loud criminals. 

"We came here after death," Itachi explained, lowering his voice only slightly. "The only people who could be here are those dead, in that logic, and thus, somehow defeated, and defeat-able," He said more to himself than to her.

"Still, I can't shake the feeling we're not alone," She glanced at the window, only to find the figure staring back at her. Despite being over six hundred feet away, she glared at him.

"Who did you have in mind?" Itachi did a mental tally of all ten members. 

"Well, there are more Akatsuki members than present," Chris answered vaguely, once more turning her attention back to the ravenette.

"Tobi's in the closet, and the only people who don't know about him are those who died too before he revealed himself," He listed out loud. 

"Someone else," She prompted.

"Who did you have in mind?" He flicked though of the countless members they had gone through via Kakadu's temper. 

"...Orochimaru," She admitted.

"I made sure he was dead. I expelled all possible remains of him in Sasuke," He explained.

"Maybe that's why he's here. He is all about immortality, I wouldn't put it past him to- _dimension hop_ ," She put finger quotes around the last two words. 

"And don't tell me I'm overreacting," She said very suddenly. "Because I'm not," 

"No, you're not," Itachi murmured, agreeing with her. 

"Is it possible?"

"Yes- it does seem like him, but-" Itachi paused to think over the logistics. 

"I know more about astrophysics and the possibility of different dimensions interacting with each other, and I'm going to be real with you," She put a hand on his shoulder. "You aren't even supposed to be here," she said exasperatedly. Itachi nodded. 

"But here you are, and that doesn;t give me an actual reason to go off of, and a whole new can of worms is opened, and I haven't had enough time to analyze this because the first you were cats, and _now you aren't and how does one compress a human into a kittenandwhyareyouevenheretheressnotanexplatation_ -" Itachi pressed a warm hand against her running mouth, effectively silencing her. 

"It's stupid," She sighed. 

"It's true," Itachi finally said after a moment of silence. "But don't get so worked up on it, okay?" Chris nodded and allowed him close to her, so they were not embracing, but touching. 

"Hug?" She asked meekly.

"Hn,"


	14. Chapter 14

Chris was upset, to say the least.

She was never one for meeting new people, hence the profound awkwardness that arose when the Akatsuki transformed. In fact, they had to reel it out of her for her to sign the lease, as she had decided that keeping this many people in the house meant she needed more money. And she already worked at a library, shelving books and reading to children, and despite her spiteful attitude towards her boss, she adored her job above no else and did not want to get another one. But, being a college student, she was otherwise broke. The house, once her parents, was paid off and she was left with 96 acres of land and a couple of empty homes.

Eventually, she had to rent one out.

She had dreaded this day for a long time and hated that it was coming to this.

The new neighbors were ‘crepes’ as Meg had put it, and Chris was mortified at the thought.

What if they were hoarders? Ex-convicts? In a gang? Pedophiles?

Per usual, her anxiety was not being helpful. But in what scenario was it?

She peeked through the window, seeing two men carries large boxes into the house. Their houses were a reasonable distance away, many in acres between them, but she could make out two figures, hunched over suspiciously. But maybe it was their posture. She hoped it was their posture.

“What are you doing?” Itachi said, peering over her shoulder.

“Shhhhh,” Chris said quietly.

“I doubt they can hear us,” Itachi confronted her.

“Hey, Did you hear about the lab in Tennessee?” Meg called to Chris.

“The one that exploded?” Chris verified.

“Yes. It turns out the ‘red paint’ was actual human blood,” Meg told her. Chris looked over to her, visibly upset.

“Gross,” She stuck out her tongue. “Who’s was it?”

Meg shrugged. “They estimated there was at least three people’s worth of blood there, so not just one person,” Chris sighed.

“Why did you have to tell me this now?”

“Because our neighbors are also from Tennessee,” Chris paled.

“No,” She whispered.

“Maybe we can ask them-” Meg started jovially.

“-or not,” Chris finished. “Nopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenope…”

"What's the matter?" Sasori strolled into the room, glancing idly at Chris clutching a baseball bat and peeking through the window. 

"Chris thinks our new neighbors are psychopaths," Meg told him. 

Sasori snorted. "I'd be more concerned about us, than them," He gestured to Zetsu, who was arranging all the meat that was in the fridge into a human-like figure. 

"Yeah, well," Meg laughed. "She knows you, not them,"

"Shut up!" She hissed. 

"There all the way over there- there's no way they can hear us," Kisame laughed from the living room chair. 

"Tell that to her paranoia," Sasori poked her side. Chris hissed at him like a feral cat. 

"Calm down, un," Deidara scoffed. 

"Calm down, un," Chris mimicked in a low voice, flipping her hair for dramatics.

"I do not sound like that, yeah!" Deidara scowled. 

"Yes, you do," Sasori, Kisame, and Itachi choirsed. 

"Un," Sasori added for good mesure after. 

"Anyway, we don't know them, I don't want to know them, and I don't want them to know me," Chris explained. "But I have to know them, they have to know me, and I hate that," 

"But, why?" Deidara said, purposely not saying speaking his trademark tick. 

"Paperwork," 

"Why don't you just have one of us talk to them for you?" Itachi offered. 

"They'd recognize you. Plus, They only think there's two of us here,"

"Hi, I'm Bob Jones, the boyfriend of the landlord. She's sick right now, so they sent me in her place," Sasori mimed, waving an unenthusiastic hand. Itachi silently scoffed,d but Chris could feel it in his chest pressed up to him she tugged gently and he released her, still mingling close. 

"No way," Chris shook her head. 

"Yeah, she'd never date a guy named 'Bob Jones,'" Meg sarcastically explained. 

"It's not just that," Chris rolled her eyes. 

 _"Just,"_ Deidara mother to Meg, who silently laughed. 

"No offense, but you're all fairly recognizable," Chris told them. Kisame huffed. 

"What are you talking about?" Meg shrugged comically. "We should send Zetsu and Kisame!"

"Rude," Kisame said. 

"I don't trust Hidan, Konan would have to pretend to be lesbian-"

"I'd fucking pay to see that," Hidan interjected. 

"Deidara still has yet to wear  _normal_  clothes, Itachi is much too popular and recognizable, and even if he took out all of his piercings, Pein has yet to say oner two words to anyone but Konan," The bluette shrugged dismissively. 

"Meg didn't make a good first impression,"

"What about everyone else?" Itachi asked, slowly removing Chris from the window, gently guiding her away. 

"Either too unreliable or very... distinct," She said. "Still, not in a bad way, no offense to anyone," She said, hugging Kisame from the back of the chair. 

"Unless you're a fucking puppet, then all offense intended," Chris whispered into the man's ear. Kisame barked a laugh. 

"I heard that," Sasori said unamusedly.

"How careless of me," Chris said dryly. 

"Just like everything else you do," Sasori spat. 

"Speak up, Hermit Crab," Chris sneered. The neighbors dropped a couple boxed outside with a thud, which caused Chris to jump slightly. 

"Why was that so loud?" Itachi oped the blinds fully. "They are well over a dozen miles away," 

"What did they drop?" Chris looked out the window.

"Corpses," Meg laughed. 

 _"Really?"_ White Zetsu asked eagerly.  **"No, of course not,"** Black Zetsu snapped.  _"Aw, man,"_

"You know what, we're all too focused on this," Meg announced. "Let's go do something,"

"Like what?" Kisame asked, laughing at Chris's erratic behavior as she fought Itachi, trying to get the blinds back up. 

"I don't know," She shrugged. 

"Well, it was  _your_ idea," Sasori snarked. 

"Save it, Hermit Crab," Meg dismissed him. 

"Hey, that's my degrading nickname!" Chris argued. 

"Puppet-man?"

"Too basic,"

"Stiff-joints,"

"Boring,"

"Pinnochio?"

"Already used that one?"

"Dumbass," Meg offered. 

"Meh," Chris looked at Sasori, the back at Meg and made a noise of agreement. 

"Excuse me?" He snapped. 

"If the shoe fits, wear it," Chris challenged, cocking an eyebrow. Itachi smirked at her behavior.

"I'm indoors," Sasori stated dryly. 

"...And we're back to picking on Sasori," Itachi sighed amusedly. 

"Ginger-Pale," Chris spat.

"Fake purple-headed moron," Sasori countered. 

"What, did you think this was real?" She gestured to her hair, which had now faded to lavender. "Wouldn't put it past you," 

"At least-" Before Sasori finished and Chris could retort, Itachi lifted up all 5'2 of her and carried her over his shoulder into another room, expertly ignoring the streams of insults coming from both Sasori and Chris.

"YOU LOOK LIKE A WALKING R/ROASTME!"

"YOU ARE HE APPIDIMY OF DISAPPOINTMENT!"

"YOU SCREW YOU PUPPETS IN YOU FREE TIME!"

"WELL SOMEONE HAS TO TIGHTEN THEIR JOINTS!"

* * *

"Calm down," Itachi instructed the raging Chris. 

"But what if-?" She said pacing back and forth.

"Deep breaths," he said, seating her down.

"Maybe they-?" She tried to stand back up, but Itachi had a firm grip. 

"In," He instructed her. Chris took a deep breath. 

"And out," She exhaled and sat still for a moment. 

"This is dumb," Chris gently moved his arm off her chest.

"It's saved lives," Although her interest slightly rose, it quickly dove back down. 

"It's still dumb," She let out an annoyed huff.

"Chris, why are you so worked up? It seems more than social anxiety," Itachi finally asked her, moving her hair out of her face so he could read her expression. Pale brows knitted together in worry.

"What if they are the murderers?" She said, then paused, letting out a laugh.

"That seems highly unlikely," Itachi comforted her, giving her hand that was still connected to his, a light squeeze. Chris recuperated it, then dropped his hand entirely and sat on hers, looking out the window, hiding her flushed face.

"It's more likely than I would have liked," She sighed, looking out at the ridiculous stray hats that the two figured were sporting. Itachi gently brought her attention back to him. 

"It'll be alright. If your justice system is as hard on murderers as you explained to Hidan, they are already gone," He soothed her, trying to get her to see the logic. 

"They went _this_ long without getting caught!" Chris all but wailed. 

"Chris-" Itachi placed a gentle hand on her arm, but she shook it off. 

"What if you're not the only ones?" She said casually, looking him dead in the eyes with more focus than he had ever seen, telling him that she had thought about this for a while.

"What do you mean?" He said, more as if to prompt her than for her to explain. 

"Like, not the only people who are here from- from your world," She gestured downstairs, where it was illogically quiet with a house full of loud criminals. 

"We came here after death," Itachi explained, lowering his voice only slightly. "The only people who could be here are those dead, in that logic, and thus, somehow defeated, and defeat-able," He said more to himself than to her.

"Still, I can't shake the feeling we're not alone," She glanced at the window, only to find the figure staring back at her. Despite being over six hundred feet away, she glared at him.

"Who did you have in mind?" Itachi did a mental tally of all ten members. 

"Well, there are more Akatsuki members than present," Chris answered vaguely, once more turning her attention back to the ravenette.

"Tobi's in the closet, and the only people who don't know about him are those who died too before he revealed himself," He listed out loud. 

"Someone else," She prompted.

"Who did you have in mind?" He flicked though of the countless members they had gone through via Kakadu's temper. 

"...Orochimaru," She admitted.

"I made sure he was dead. I expelled all possible remains of him in Sasuke," He explained.

"Maybe that's why he's here. He is all about immortality, I wouldn't put it past him to- _dimension hop_ ," She put finger quotes around the last two words. 

"And don't tell me I'm overreacting," She said very suddenly. "Because I'm not," 

"No, you're not," Itachi murmured, agreeing with her. 

"Is it possible?"

"Yes- it does seem like him, but-" Itachi paused to think over the logistics. 

"I know more about astrophysics and the possibility of different dimensions interacting with each other, and I'm going to be real with you," She put a hand on his shoulder. "You aren't even supposed to be here," she said exasperatedly. Itachi nodded. 

"But here you are, and that doesn;t give me an actual reason to go off of, and a whole new can of worms is opened, and I haven't had enough time to analyze this because the first you were cats, and _now you aren't and how does one compress a human into a kittenandwhyareyouevenheretheressnotanexplatation_ -" Itachi pressed a warm hand against her running mouth, effectively silencing her. 

"It's stupid," She sighed. 

"It's true," Itachi finally said after a moment of silence. "But don't get so worked up on it, okay?" Chris nodded and allowed him close to her, so they were not embracing, but touching. 

"Hug?" She asked meekly.

"Hn,"


End file.
